In the past I used to save correspondences from the people I talked to. (As a part of nostalgia and remembering the past) Just recently, I went back over some of those communications and found that I hate who I used to be and by association, who I have become. In the past, I was many things; A saint, a sinner, a liar, a manipulator, a hero, a mess of emotion, a shell without emotion, humble and pretentious. In the correspondences, I saw how I drove off several of my good friends by some of my interactions. I got possessive of some, I lost others when they saw through a web of lies that I weaved... I lied so much that I had to keep lying to keep myself afloat in my relationships. What a tangled web we weave, indeed. I have done things, encouraged people and hoped people to do things that I regret with all of my being and if I could redo my past, I would. I would edit my youth and, like a time traveller, go back and kick myself in the ass in order to stop the process that got me to where I was and am. Granted I was mentally unstable back then and had to require medications to keep myself in a status that was productive for school, for employment and social interaction, but that is no excuse. I can't lay all the blame on being "nuts", I have done evil things and have been quite an evil person. I make jokes that I am the devil, not seriously believing that I am, of course. Just based on who I have been... My friends and associates now, laugh and say "No your are not! :)" and proceed to tell me how wonderful I am now. But if they knew what I know, they would burn me at the stake and spit on my ashes. These days, I am worlds apart from what I was. But some trace essence remains... To start, I started off my current relationship with lies. Not big ones, but lies that put me in a more favorable light. I suppose out of guilt about my past. But now I have to occasionally reinforce the lies when asked. I am so sorry that I started things off this way, but I love her. I wish I could redo myself. Make something more of me and kick myself in the ass before I burned all the bridges that I have. Before I let time pass so much that I end up losing others due to natural event or the process of growing apart. I have had two friends die recently before I was able to fulfill some promises I made to them... I meant to fulfill but the very fact I did not, makes me question myself again. Anyone have a time machine?