i am in the process of losing my mind. it has slowly been coming around for the past 12-24 months, and now it is surfacing. the proof is in the pudding: i think people are noticing based on how they either comfort me or distance themselves from me. this isn't me wanting to be noticed, but merely an exhibit that i'm aware of my altering state of consciousness. I am not a morning person, but i am at my "happiest" in the morning (relatively speaking). by the end of the day, no matter the magnitude of my accomplishments i am depressed to the point of emotional break down. i over analyze everything, which leads to recursive analysis (this is why i'm good at my job) and complete disappointment in anything, everything, and everyone. i naturally want to fix, engineer and architect the perfect solution; in this process i boil down the facts to their most primitive state in order to realize a situation that needs optimizing. at this point i understand the abysmal situation, and to me, that is the worst part. remember, everything undergoes this procedure - EVERYTHING. I see it in myself, i see it in you, i see it in the chair you're sitting on and the socks you're wearing on your feet. i see it in the food you consume and the sky you peer into. even the pixels that make up these images, the latin characters that rule our languages and the amoeba that balance our ecosystem. I have come to the conclusion, like many others, that being human is a condition. unfortunately i take it to the extreme and see it as a terminal and irreversible disease. this is not something i am capable of acting upon because i do have respect for other people who bask in this glorified hell. i am mildly healthy (physically) at the age of 24, self-educated (in post) and extremely successfully (that is, if you can quantitate success by some means - i am not convinced of this phenomena anymore). you could say my life is easy: raised white middle class with a dog, a sibling and two loving parents. perhaps this post is therapeutic, but the ugly truth of it all is i will be back to square one tomorrow. i don't quite comprehend the way i... well... comprehend. i tend to make things up ask i go, i never gift any solid plans. i will not recall the impact this writing session has had on me within moments after posting. somehow, however, i have the intuition, guttural instinct, to make impacting and correct decisions. ..now i'm starting to lose my train of thought, so this is where i just cram it all in: i wish i could could escape from all of this. i don't know if i made the right cumulative choices - ever. i have people who love me and people who i love in return, even unrequited. sometimes i think that i am not as intelligent as everyone else and people see that; they cater to me because they feel sorry. i'd rather be alone so I never have to second guess someone else's intentions. maybe everyone feels this way. i can't help but notice that I do. i try to stay busy to cover it up, but the moment i get a chance to breath, this reality comes at me like a katana. i don't notice until it is too late; the execution is beautifully crafted. this katana knows where to make the determining strike that accumulates irrefutable damage. I am my own worst enemy. i can only blame myself, even when it arguably may not be my fault. I wonder if this will make sense in the morning.