Last year at this time, i wanted to die. i didn't want to commit suicide because i'm afraid of hell and my father, a fire captain whose seen the results of suicides and attempts, is utterly disgusted by the cowardice and weakness. he would have disowned me after my death. so i begged God to let me die. in a car accident, in my sleep, in some freak event that shouldn't have happened. anything to make my breath stop forever. instead, God sent me someone to live for. a man named Josh. i had known him for years, a coworker i had a little school girl crush on since i was 16 and he was 19. i quit the job i had worked with him and figured i'd never see him again. then one day last year, shortly after my 18th birthday, when i was at my weakest and numb to pretty much everything, my friend and i found a puppy being sold in front of the local Perkins. the poor pup had only 3 legs, one had been cut off by some monster, and left to die. neither of us could take the dog, so we went to everyone we knew to try to find it a home. i went into the restaurant i had formerly been employed in to ask if anyone would take the puppy when all the sudden Josh popped up at the front desk with a grin on his face. i asked him if he would take the dog, but he couldn't. my friend and i left to find someone else to take the dog, and in her car she giggled and told me that Josh gave me "the look." i didn't believe it, until a few nights later he messaged me on Facebook, asking about the puppy (someone adopted it), and then asking about my life. our relationship took off. he was The One. truly. he helped me through the most stressful time of my life, even though at the beginning i pushed him away. both my parents were diagnosed with cancer, my grandpa came down with sudden and incredibly aggressive alzheimer's, i was a senior in high school who had bitten off way more than she could chew, college was just around the corner, and there was something wrong with my ovaries that the doctors still haven't figured out. but i had Josh. our relationship was far from perfect, we both had baggage: he has been cheated on multiple times, had family problems, etc. i had been abandoned by one boyfriend the year before, and as an 8th grader i was stalked and eventually molested in a school bathroom by a classmate, as well as my family problems and hormones gone crazy by the constant changes of birth control pills my doctor attempted to cure me with. but i loved him, and he loved me, and sometimes we were strained but normally it was bliss. he helped me heal and i helped him. we found the light in each other. i felt unearthly happiness. he said he wanted to marry me someday, when i got done with college. i gave him my virginity, even though i had planned on waiting till marriage, because it would make him happy and he said we would get married someday anyway. i wanted to prove i'd be faithful forever, that he had my whole heart, my whole being, my soul and faith and everything that i am. i told him so. and he loved me for it, he said he felt the exact same way, that we would be together forever. of all the girls he'd been with (9 of them before me), i was unlike any, that he would fight to the death to keep me. 8 months of being so ridiculously happy. i felt as if i were made of light, floating on a cloud whenever he smiled. i wanted to share my joy with the whole world, i wanted everyone to feel as good as i felt, i wanted to live in his arms forever. i didn't think i deserved to feel so good, but i felt so blessed every day, and i thought i would be for the rest of my life. then in august, 10 days before i was meant to leave for college, 8 months to the day that we started dating, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. that we weren't working... and yet he said it hurt him as much as it hurt me to end it, that he wouldn't be right for months again after, that it was all he could do not to cry too. but when i asked if we could fix it, he said no. i didn't understand why he wouldn't give us a chance. why what we had wasn't worth trying for. i slapped him in the face, told him to go to hell, said a million things i didn't mean because i was standing in his bedroom dying, bleeding out onto the floor in front of him and he just stared. and as i walked out, i said "I really loved you." all he said was "i don't care." by now he's erased me completely from his life, just like he does with every girl he leaves, but i can't let go of him. i love him. unconditionally. i've reached out to him once, but there was no response. the only times i dream, i dream about him or his family. i love his family too. they were going to be MY family someday. i pray constantly, to God and St. Anthony, the saint of the lost, to bring him back into my life, because i have this feeling i can't shake. i feel like Josh is really my soulmate. that God sent him to me to help me live, and God wouldn't want such a pure, unadulterated love to go to waste. that if i hold on a little longer, things will work out. i feel like we needed to break up because i needed to learn to be stronger and more independent. and i have. i'm not afraid of anything anymore, i faced down all of my demons (losing my love, my grandpa's health failing extremely quickly and sitting with him in the hospital, having to see his pain and waiting for him to die, moving to a school away from my family and everyone i know) in one month. i'm so much stronger now. I could really make Josh happy. i feel like i'm still meant to be his. But i still haven't heard from him, and i don't know if God is listening. i miss Josh so much. i don't want to be with anyone but him, for the rest of my life i want to be his girl like we promised. i'd give anything, ANYTHING for him to reach out to me. i want him to remember what we had. i don't care what he's done, why he's done it. i don't care that he hurt me. i hold no grudge or anger. only love. i hurt so bad. i want to not hurt anymore. i want Josh back.