I seriously hate myself 99.9% of the time. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out on the couch while my boyfriend SLEEPS in the other room. I say "SLEEPS" because that's what he does every single night we spend together. We smoke pot, eat and go to bed. And every night he goes to sleep. I just know that the thought of touching me is repulsive to him. He will never admit it but I know it's true. I am 23, about 5'5", 240 lbs, I wear glasses and braces(still). My only decent physical attribute is my hair and even that's not great. My boyfriend will try to comfort me sometimes and tell me that he just doesn't care about sex because of his addiction to pain pills. But I know that can't be because he looks at porn quite a bit. I just can't figure it out though because he tells me all the time how much he loves me and wants to marry me. We have been together for almost 4 years. It seems like if you're not physically attracted to someone you would just leave them. And sometimes I wish that he would. I don't have enough strength to leave him. So I find myself wishing that he would just leave me so that I can get used to being alone again for the rest of my life. I know that it sounds childish in a way, but the fact that he NEVER wants to have sex with me makes me feel so ugly, fat and gross. It hurts so much to know that the one person you love looks at you naked and thinks "yuck!" And of course instead of getting up and doing something about it like a normal person would, I just lie here depressed bout it and cry until my eyes swell shut. Oh yeah, and I'm a major turnover as well. I HATE that about myself. When I think about it I don't care what people think of me, but I'm beginning to believe that I give in to people so much so they will like me. Even though I don't have any real friends anymore. UGH!!!!!!!