I'm going through an orgy of confessions today. I'm so happy to get this shit off my chest after all these years. It's taken me a long, long time to figure out what my dad was doing to me all those years. Some things I remember clearly all along. Some things I pieced together later. Some things I recalled only after experiencing further sexual abuse, like a body memory unleashed. Perhaps the most telling thing of all are all the gaps in my childhood, these big blanks that haunt me to this day. I remember my dad spanking and molesting me all through my early childhood. He was divorced and didn't have a girlfriend. He was always spanking me bare hand for something. Then he would molest me afterward with his hand roaming all around my plump, round ass. It both hurt and felt good. I didn't mind the comforting part on my bottom at all and never complained while he fondled me (he'd just spank me again anyway). I now think he was simply sexually frustrated and there I was, an unusually attractive young boy, pretty in a way that girls and boys are hard to tell apart at that age. I've seen pictures of myself and I kind of get it. I had these big, brown eyes, silky brown hair, pale, soft skin, and a very sensuous red mouth. I remember a gay boy in my primary school telling me that I had a great ass. It wasn't the first time someone has told me that. (I didn't mind that he was gay, maybe because of the abuse, I don't know.) So mom was gone and there I was. But there were other telling things. I was a kinky little kid and liked to pretend rape fantasies before I even knew what rape was. I'd pretend to be tied up or held down while placing things roughly between my sensitive buttocks. It turned me on, even though I didn't know what being "turned on" meant at that early age. Later, when I was nine years old, I had to have a doctor checkup because my dad and I moved overseas. The doctor was clearly disturbed. He muttered that he found "rectal scarring" in his examination and noted it in his chart. He had turned kind of white and I think he was realizing something, but didn't want to say it. I never placed anything directly into my rectum at that age. That came later. So something else must have entered me. I'll let you guess. Also, at that age, I knew how to do all kinds of things I don't remember every actually learning. I knew how to masturbate. I knew how to French kiss girls until it drove them crazy. And I genuinely enjoyed the taste of my own cum when I finally figured out how to give myself an orgasm. Where did I learn this stuff? Overseas, my dad did get a girlfriend. I think for a while he must have stopped abusing me. Because that's when I started fucking myself. When I think back at it, I'm so embarrassed. You wouldn't believe the things I did to myself. I used multiple fingers, conveniently shaped hair brush handles, nicely shaped shampoo bottles filled with warm water (I loved that). Even a cucumber. It had to really fill me up, the bigger the better, stretch me real tight. I worked it slowly, until I relaxed deep inside, moaning pleasantly when I was all alone. Then I'd work it faster and faster, sighing and gasping with pleasure. And it got me so worked up that I eventually learned how to give myself rectal orgasms and make myself cum like crazy, sometimes directly into my own mouth with my legs up in the air. I was a crazy, sexy little kid. Then when we got back from overseas in my early teens, I had many, many disturbing episodes with my dad. I often woke up to find him naked in my bed and I never remembered him getting in. Ever. It was just a big blank, the whole night. No dreams, nothing. The thing is, when he left, I'd often find dried cum on my stomach, chest, between my ass cheeks, and caked around my mouth, usually some combination. I'd also find these cum "remnants" even when he wasn't sleeping in my bed the next morning, yet I couldn't recall masturbating the previous night in these cases. And anyway, it was a lot of cum, much more than I could ever spurt alone myself. Finally, I was molested when I was teenager working at a fast food joint. It was rumored that the manager was gay, but I didn't care. One evening, he and a friend of his talked me into going for a ride and hanging out a bar they knew a few hours away. I thought it would be fun, and it was. But I got really drunk and they ended up taking me to a hotel room to recover. While I was half-passed out, my manager molested me and I tried to pretend I was still sleeping, but it was obvious that I got intensely turned on. It was just an automatic thing. He made me hold his erect cock and it felt nice, almost like I could feel all the pleasure he was experiencing through my hand. Then he kissed and caressed me. If he wasn't a fat little fuck with a tiny cock, I would have done anything he wanted, I got so hot and bothered. Then his friend joined us in bed and he was completely naked like the manager. They stripped me down and he made me hold his cock as well, but it was huge. I cannot tell you how different these two men are from each other. When he started kissing me passionately, I parted my lips and kissed him back. I think it really excited both of them, but I didn't want to make out with my manager, just his friend. This was okay with his friend, and I still jerked off my manager anyway to keep him happy. He was in heaven. And I don't know why I did it. Something just came over me. I wanted to suck that huge cock. It was a really intense desire, like I had to take him in my mouth. So I unlocked from one of the hottest tongue kisses I can ever remember and buried my face in his warm crotch. I think it surprised them both. Then I sucked him off like an old pro. I knew exactly what to do, how to take him deeply, how not to choke too much, how to use my lips and tongue, how to moan and excite him with my relaxed throat, take him even deeper. It surprised me that it didn't surprise me at all. It all felt so familiar and I enjoyed it almost as much as he did. And I didn't even flinch when he started filling my mouth with copious amounts of warm pre-cum. I hardly even blinked. Then his cock swelled and jerked between my warm, wet lips and he practically exploded warm, sticky cum into my wide open mouth, filling my cheeks with hot cum before it spurted from my lips and dripped down my chin. I practically came myself I was so turned on. Then he turned me over while my manager placed a pillow under my hips. I knew what they were going to do and it excited and scared me at the same time. I was convinced that this huge cock would tear me apart, but I didn't even care. To my surprise (and relief), they came prepared with lube and fingered me while I moaned and buried my face into the bed. I was penetrated, but after an initial surge of pain, I suddenly relaxed and it was deep within me. It all felt so incredibly familiar. Like I woke up one day suddenly speaking fluent French. He eased his cock into me slowly, but once in, he rapidly increased to full, warm thrusts. I was making a lot of noise and he asked me if I was okay. I nodded yes and thrust up against him, leaning back to kiss him passionately, encouraging him to fuck me harder while I sighed and gasped. So he did. And I loved it. Every hot, sticky moment. I made sexy noises like a girl or women getting her brains fucked out. They took turns fucking me for what seemed like forever and maybe the third time I got plugged with that big, fat cock, I had a rectal orgasm and came hard into the pillow. They both loved that and my ready response soon encouraged their own agonizing orgasms some time later. It was very intense and I felt happy and distressed at the same time. We then made out for a while and neither one of them minded that I had cum all over my mouth. It made them both hot. We fell asleep together. I won't belabor the point. I was really embarrassed about my response the next day. I'm not into guys at all, but I enjoyed the sex. What can I say? I didn't begrudge them taking advantage of me. I'm not sure I blame them, even to this day. I could have refused and I'm sure they would have respected my wishes. And if they didn't, well, I would have cum my brains out anyways. After that, I started remembering all kinds of things with my dad, but mostly oral sex when I was really, really young. It was like the recent experience of those cocks reminded me through bodily feeling of things I had experienced before. I vividly remember being naked with my dad on top of his bed when I was really small. He got a huge erection and it sprung up between my thighs. He made a rocket noise as if it was taking off and I liked it. Then I did something that kind of surprises me. I still don't remember when I learned how to suck cock, but I readily dove down and started sucking his cock deep into my mouth. I was really, really good at it, and even enjoyed it. I could feel his pleasure between my lips and deep into my mouth. I kept taking him deeper and had to force myself to relax my tight throat to avoid choking. It was very intense. Then he swelled up in my mouth until my jaw was open wide, my cheeks filled with pre-cum and I felt kind of dizzy with nausea as he started jerking. I felt like I was going to choke and I was overwhelmed with hot cum filling my cheeks. Then I just swallowed hard while the rest pulsed from my lips. I felt sudden relief. My little head filled with hot, bright light and I got kind of tipsy and drunk with his pleasure and all that cum. I didn't mind at all. I lifted my head up, my chin dripping hot cum. I gazed at him with intense satisfaction at getting him off. He chuckled warmly and caressed my silky hair. I was shocked when I suddenly remember this incident, almost like I was experiencing it then and there. But most disturbing of all, I got so aroused I almost came in my pants at the memory. My cock was rock hard. Even now, I get an incredible hard on just writing this. On another occasion, I remember him having oral intercourse in the bathroom. I was kneeling on the floor and his crotch was pumping almost against my face. He was very aggressive, holding my head, fucking my mouth rapidly. He was obviously extremely turned on and I didn't mind a bit, though I again felt overwhelmed with his cock and had to concentrate on not choking. I felt very submissive and I liked it. I wanted him to fuck my face and I sucked him skillfully, forming a wide, wet O with my mouth, stroking him with the flat of my tongue. I knew exactly what I was doing. Unfortunately, I don't recall more, at least for now, though I sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of more vivid memories and recollections. I know because I feel this intense, burning arousal building inside me. I'd really like to know what we did when I was teenager. I don't understand why I have all this amnesia and blank spots. I don't mind that he had sex with me at all. I loved him and would have done anything to please him. Anything. If he wanted me to be his lover after mom left, so what? If he fucked me silly, great. I wanted it. I really did. Why is my psyche still trying to protect me from the obvious?