Hello I'm 40 yrs old , and not a day goes by I don't wake up screaming in sweat , about a stupid thing I done when I was a kid , living in south Africa ... durban.. when I was 13...a year before me and my family immigrated to Australia...was about the time in Africa when apartheid was at its peak ..... me and my best friend at the time thought it would be SOOOOO cool to take his dads .45 semi auto handgun and just " scare" sum poor black dude walking around our neighbourhood ..... well the scare didn't go as planned , me and pall , checked the mag that slides in the bottom , which was empty of rounds ..... but seriously WATS a couple of kids @ 13 know anything about the dangers of handguns , let alone how to use them safely ?... I honestly to god thought the fucken gun wasn't loaded. I didn't know that although the mag is empty , a round could still be clambered......?which it was when I " surprised ' a guy down at the park ... my intention honestly was merely to " scare " him and run off , laughing with pal , bout the harmless joke a stranger was involved with , but it wasn't harmless and the stupid joke turned deadly.....even now I'm shaking thinkin about it .... as I said I surprised him , his back turned I and pal briskly walking up to him , I said hey , he turned around.. seeing me fumble for that god forsaken gun .. oh my god ..it went off ..oh my god ....oh my god ...wat have I done ? it felt like time froze.... the bullet striking him above his left eye , exiting the back of his head .... when it went off all I remember is how loud it sounded , the look on his face of shock ...and moment later , the thud as he collapsed dead , my heart rate was jacked .... I was numb for weeks .. the news reported , a man dead , by gunshot at so and so ... it was the guy I accidently shot ... a year later I moved to Australia with my family , I've never spoken about this until now , I still have nightmares about it .. I still throw up.about it ... I've abused drugs to try and cope with it ... to numb my thought , my feelings ... I had two relationships that failed because of it ... kids I don't see ... maybee cause I feel I don't deserve a life , cause of the 1 I took ? ... I'm FUCKED up and messed up emotionally... but I was only a kid ..... god almighty , forgive me ......god forgive me