I'm fucking normal, right? You want to know some crazy shit? I happen to be really pretty and overall an attractive girl. I also happen to be smart. REALLY smart...way smarter than i look as most have said to me over the years. i can analyze anything or anybody and be 100% on point with my conclusions. yet im a fucking weirdo. i sit at home all the time doing absolutely nothing but watching tv and playing around on the internet. i cut out my friends, one by one, over the past few years...and now i have ZERO left. of all the horrible things ill admit to - that isnt one of them. i had some shitty ass friends and i decided over a long period time that i was in fact better off alone. when you get lonely that seems like a horrible idea but at the time it seemed like the best i could come up with. Here comes a curve ball that makes you disconnect from anything ive been saying. Ok, well im bulimic and have been for the 4 years. I've already lost 2 teeth from it way in the back of my mouth. ohhhh if my mother only knew she'd dieeee! I'm not even skinny..im just average and even sometimes look a little chunkified(which could be in my head but not sure).. ive been in love twice. the first dickhead played me and ruined the trust i had in a stranger and could ever have, potentially, for the rest of my life. the second time, which came years later inadvertently RIPPED MY FUCKING HEART OUT. almost 3 years later i am still not 100% over him and if i allow myself to think about him or remember things about him for more than a few minutes i start to break down emotionally. how could someone still be stuck on someone years after the end? is it not pathetic that this is at the very least the only connection i have left to my true emotions? why do i go through these drastic ups and downs? why wont i ever love unconditionally? why am i like my mother in the sense that i will always favor males over females? i hate being raised by her. i wish that i had a different mother growing up. i would be so different. my fathers intelligence was negated by my mothers ignorance in so many factors of my childhood. thanks for the pretty face mom and fuck you for the eating/anxiety/depressive disorders. the more i embrace my adult hood the more i depend on different things to get me by. prescription drugs, alcohol, obsessions or should i say hyper-focus on certain things/people. i do not become what i believe but rather i believe what i see that i have become. i am attentive as fuck basically and i am a stranger to the word denial. i see the ugly truth and its staring at me every time i look in the mirror. i have NO FRIENDS. i hated them all. they all backstabbed me, lied or started stripping for money. i want nothing to do with any of it. but i do want friends. its so hard for me to admit that I DO WANT FRIENDS. i miss having people to trust and confide in...or just hang out with. i live a sad and lonely life. I have some qualities that im not at all proud of. i used to love myself. now all i see is the jealousy in me that hides behind the humble person i portray. I wouldnt hurt anybody, but i fantasize about it. not physically, but emotionally maybe. id write a letter to get someone fired but i never follow through with it. idk if this is a common thing or not but its not something id hope for my future husband to have so i guess that makes it a flaw. i want to be with the most humble and honest, fair man i can find...but one who is slightly blinded by his love for me because he must adore me, yet be fooled by my cover at the same time. wow, im sick. sick, alone, fucking fat, fucked up, full of bad memories, at times a liar, at times too loyal, a pushover, but somehow hopeful person. where is my hope right now? dont fucking know. it comes and it goes. just like i do.