For over the last 25years I have been in love with the same man. When I close my eyes it is him that I see. I long for a day long ago past when we would speak as best friends about our dreams and fears. I miss the place in his arms that made me know that I was home. I can feel the texture of his hair as it runs between my fingers, the softness of his tongue when we kiss and taste of his skin. I self loathe every day of my life because I hurt him so. It was I that destroyed our relationship. I was on such a self destructive path back then. So as he was leaving me to go away to college, I cheated on him. I ensured that he would find out. I knew that this would kill him but most importantly it would make it impossible for him to hurt me. I felt it would be easier to deal with if I had control of it. It doesn't work that way. I married my husband knowing that I was still in love the other man. I knew I shouldn't but I did not listen to my conscience. I knew that his love would never be able to fill my void but I was hopeful that we could make it work. Fast forward years, my husband and I struggle every day with the lack of connection. We have great kids that are active. That is when it starts.A few years ago we started seeing each other during certain activities. I dreaded the day that we would talk and was excited at the same time.Was the chemistry between us felt by everyone around us? It was still there. We minimalize it to everyone around us but it did affect my life. Now every second of the day I can only think of how I feel when I am around him. He is now divorced and I am separated but I know that no matter how much I want us to be, it can't. He knows nothing but sorrow in love and is unable to risk it. He will admit that he will always love me. When we are alone I feel that I am finally exactly where I should be. I know that this relationship will only end in more pain. It has gone full circle and now it has come back to kill me. My love for him will kill me. There is no way to have this take another course. My husband still loves me. I will go back to him and shower him with all that love that I am able to. I will be a good wife but I will remain in love with another man for the rest of my days. He is the love of a lifetime.