after breaking up with my girlfriend i must have put so much negative sexual energy out there. i felt really confined in the relationship so when i finally was out of it i felt this overwelming surge of sexual energy. i was free finally but also i was out of control. i was able to control myself enough not to go way too far but for me i really wasn't controlling myself enough. i was online, hitting on women in very directly sexual ways that are very shallow and objectifying. and although that works for some people for me it really goes against my heart, my soul and who i am. i was on craigslist willing to fuck anything basically just putting my energy out there, it was good in a way to liberate myself from constraints and social boundries and my own boundries but i also felt like it was too far. i put energy out there that was really negative, really egotistical and really dark. i don't like that i did and totally feel bad for it. i told my g/f about it after getting back together but i don't feel it's necessary to tell her every single thing as it would just cause pain and isn't anything. Meaning all the things i wrote and where i was at. i didn't go fuck anyone that i was that shallow with but i just remember some of the things i wrote, responses i put out there to ads on craigslist and so forth. it released alot of energy but i was so far from being impeccable with myself. it wasn't good. it's understandable to an extent and i can be hard on myself but what's right is a personal thing not social. so part of it is now that i let myself go so far i've realized that my own viewpoints were fucked with as well. i've always been the guy that is very respectful of women and has always treated woman as equals and not objectifying them. sure i'm a man and have sexual feelings but i've always been able to come from a place where since my thoughts aren't there or that i don't let them go there then i am able to set a vibe of understanding with women, one of non-threatening energy. now i noticed that since i became so engrossed in sexuality that now that i'm with my girlfriend that i'm not able to control it as well. i guess it makes sense and since i'm holding onto my values that it's more of a process and realizing it is the first step but i just start feeling guilty. i really feel that everyone is a beautiful soul and that to truly communicate with people you can't be checking them out in that shallow sense at the same time. it's ok to notice that someone is beautfiul but to include selfish desires really brings a block to communication and anyone can sense that someone isn't completely present. it's so easy to fall into desire, whatever it is, and so hard to pull out of it sometimes. deep agreements are needed and they need to be thoroughly understood. i just feel bad because that dark energy came out so much before and i really don't want to have it build up again, i want to be in balance with it and i don't like when these little moments come up where i can tell i'm not keeping myself in check, that i need to be more in harmony with it otherwise the whole guilt/repression will build into something negative. when you get to know the shadows of yourself it's good because it's the only way to grow through them, but losing control like that can make the shadows grow long. i accept my shadows and will do my best to understand them to bring that energy into balance. i confess all this to release this energy in me, to let that guilt pass away as i know it is the past and that my intent is to move past this fully and completely, able to be present and grow from the moment.