I've actively hated myself for 21 years. I'm 24. This is the day I gave myself when I was 11. I surrender. It may have not gotten any better because it was clearly something I focused on. But I dont give a fuck, because the point, to me anyway, is just that, 'it didn't get better'. So I quit. Im not sad. Not at all. Just so you'll know, when they find me I'll be in the closet, hanging out. The 'equipment' has actually been set up for the past week in anticipation. My favorite show is on (venture bros.) so ill watch that, smoke a joint, drink some burbon, then I'll call it. I mean, has anyone had the experience of hating the person you were, are, and inevietably will become. Just because I was raped when I was three years old. THREE! can you believe that!Imagine being a young black man knowing that your dignity and confidence were taken before you ever had a chance. You will not make it! That was my daily refrain. People have rightfully hated me. And I rightfully been struck with immense guilt and regret. Ive never committed a crime against a person but myself. Ive fallen victim to every vice and circumstance presented to me. I take that back. A victim of circumstance, yes. A victim of vice, no! I decided throughout my life to allow myself any indulgence that i wanted and was avialable. And i regret every one of them. Ive been an asshole, and idiot, a weirdo, and a coward. Im thoughtless and unintelligent and Ive been chasing an impossible dream my entire life. As far as the circumstance well lets count them. The aforementioned incident. Im a bastard (and all that baggae). I have a disease that was so difficult to manage that both my mental and physical health was greatly affectd. I was severly disfigured when I was sick. This led to me isolating myself and greatly damaged my socail abilites. My mind and concept of reality were also called into question. I mean I was in my house for 3 or 4 weeks on end at least 8 or 9 times a year. There were several embarrasing incidents invovling my disease and the state of my face when Im sick.Im covered in scars. My immune system is permenantly damaged from the medication. Every breakout and flare up is 30x worse than the last. The pain is immense. Theres more. but its not important. Im gonna go roll a joint and pour some burbon. I dont feel sorry for myself one bit. I do feel sorry for anyone like me.