I am probably the most fucked up individual ever recorded in history, and I am not proud of that fact. I have two of the most beautiful men you can possibly imagine pining for my affections, and I still manage to screw that up somehow. I don't even know what else to say anymore. My child isn't going to school, and I just found that out recetnly. I've called the school, but they're all messed up, and they haven't called me back. I want this child to succeed in life, and not be a failure like I am. I am beautiful and multi-talented with an IQ that would knock your socks off, and I still fail, as a person, as a parent, as a girlfriend. you name it. I SUCK. My beatiful babe just called me, and I feel like shit anyway. He is mad at me because I am so messed up in life right now, and I can understand why. I don't want to hurt anybody with my own stuff. I never have, and I don't expect forgiveness or something. I just want to be heard and understood, by people that can offer that. This is not drama, or any of that crap. This is the real deal, and I love him, and I always have. I almost married him for real, not because I was pregnant, or had to, or any of that. I really love him. I suck, don't I? I'm just a piece of trash alcohlic, right? Dammit, if I was really that I wouldn't care, and yes, I DO care, about alot of things. My child is number one to me. Do you really think I don't give a shit about him or what he does or thinks or says? You've got to be out of you mind if you do. I feel he deserves so much better than me, and it hurts that he even has to have me for a Mom. I'v ruled the world at one time, and I gave him everything I possibly could, but I'm just a piece of trash right now, aren't I? I'm not on a pity party or any of that stuff. I just think I could be better to everybody that I meet in life, and I am failing miserably because I am sick. I'm not sick in the head or anything, just a drunken asshole, and I don't know how to fix that. I really wish I could. I have alot of friends and family that love me and support me to do better, and I still fail them, and I don't know how to stop that. I don't think I'll make it to my next birthday. I really don't, and I don't care too much anymore. Who in the hell will miss me in the state I'm in right now anyway? You all would probably hate me if you met me. I am absolutely gorgeous with a high IQ, and I have more than a few natural talents. I come from a great, succesful family, and it just doesnt' seem to matter. I suck to them. They can't understand me or why I am the way I am. I wish they could. I really do. I was sexually moleted as a little girl, from the time I was 9 to the time I was 12. I stopped it myself when I knew that it wasn't right in my heart, but my daddy hurt me, and I thought he was the best man alive ever in the universe. I really did. He's very politically fluential to this day, and maybe that's why I hate politicians. Point being, I still haven't gotten over that, and I really do wish my dad was my dad, and not some sicko that got off on little girls. I don't know how to heal from that. I really don't. I've tried all kinds of things, and it just won't go away. I don't hate men or anything. In fact, I love men. I'm not a weirdo person, and I don't do anything to harm a child or an animal. I just don't understand why after all of these years, it still hurts. I want my dad, the way he was suppose to be, not like the way he was with me. I confronted him, and he told me I misinterpretted things. I didn't misinterpret a thing. I can still feel it to this day. My father is a very powerful, influential man, and I wish I could say I loved him like a daugter is suppose to love a father, but I don't. He hurt me ALOT, for life, and I've tried to rationalize things in my mind and heart and soul, and I still don't get it. I would NEVER do that to a child, NEVER. I don't even understadnd that klnd of thinking, and I've tried to rationilze that stuff in my mind. It will never make sense to me, and it's really messed me up in life. I learned not to trust anybody a long time ago, so it's made me like I don't want to close to anybody else EVER. Maybe you think I'm being silly, and I should be over it by now or something, but realistaclly speaking, I'm not, and I don't know how. I've tried all kinds of things to rest my soul, and it hasn't worked for me totally, maybe some, but not all the way. I know you all have misinterpretted things all along about me and who am I, and where I'm coming from. Okay, so be jealous and cold to me. See if that helps. Maybe it has a little because I know you all have gone through some of this stuff, and maybe something worse. I don't get off on that though. I really do feel your pain, and I wish I could make things better for you somehow, but I'm just as messed up as the next person out there, so I DO screw up sometimes, and I don't mean to. I really don't.