believe that I may be bipolar...but only if there is a way to be manic and depressed at the same time...Like not days or weeks of one or the other...but seconds, minutes, hours sometimes.My heart hurts constantly and it gets harder to fake happy. I work with the public and I have to focus to make sure I'm the same person every day. I have multiple facets of my personality which of course is different than multiple personalities since I know each one exists and what each one is for.Since I was very little, I've always had a very sexual side and a very pure side...Now those 2 sides have turned into multiple levels from perversion and dark painful fantasies to prudish abstinence. Now I have this addiction...well a couple of addictions that go hand in hand. I like to go fast and have phone sex. But I take that fantasy phone sex to a new level. I'm very good at being whatever the person on the other end wants me to be. I can take those fantasies and run with them. I can manipulate that person or those people, depending on how many I'm talking to, to do pretty much anything. Pushing their boundaries. Its exhilarating to get someone to leave their comfort zone and actually act out their fantasies...sometimes I get them to do very bad things. I there is something really wrong with my brain and the connections it makes. Sometimes I'm such a prude and I get offended that anyone would talk to me so disrespectfully as guys at bars and clubs. I would never go home and just fuck some random guy and how dare they insinuate that I would. However, after staying up all night talking on chat lines and watching porn, I'll talk to some guy, find out where he is, say Don't tell me your name, I'll be there in 10 minutes...pick them up, take them to a park restroom hand them a condom and tell them not to say anything, fuck my pussy, ass, and mouth before they cum...Go! I have certain sexual desires that I won't even discuss because they're so wrong and so perverse and taboo...and so incredibly mind blowingly hot. (yes blowingly is not a word) Sex, drugs, porn...constantly. I watched at least 12 hours of porn every day for at least a month. It got to the point that when I would leave my bedroom, I was still seeing remnants of the porn clips and pictures in front of my eyes, like ghosts or shadows. I have aural hallucinations (audible), and hear things all the time. I'm becoming more and more paranoid all the time. I just moved back to California for my family and I left all of my friends and I know I'm depressed. I was going out, at least on the weekends, for a while. Now I fight leaving my room all the time. I just sit here and read or watch movies or watch porn or talk on chat lines just to have someone to talk to. I have to appease that wicked voice inside me. The one that says...don't talk to that man...his attractions and obsessions are already bad enough...but the other girl is so much stronger. She's angry and mean and aggressive, and she likes inflicting pain...or manipulating these men and women she's talking to, into doing very bad things. Sometimes I'm afraid that the people I choose to push their boundaries...without me they're only dangerous in their minds...but with me...Somehow I empower them to act on those things that they're thinking of. And there are some sick people out there. I'm really a very bright, loving, sweet, semi submissive daddy's girl who has a good job, a totally normal...pretty normal...family life. I don't date because I know how horrible my taste in men is as all relationships have ended badly...usually for me and not the other person. And the last straw was the person who beat me almost every day, tried to kill me a few times, threatened and tortured me, and our poor dog. Once I put him in jail...It's like I became him. I'd always wondered how people could be so deceptive, so out of control crazy, how they could hurt others who are innocent...and it's the innocent ones that I want to see punished. For all of their naivety, their unadulterated optimism, their rose colored glasses...Cuz my glasses are broken and I've seen things that make naivety and optimism all but impossible. I used to be a glass is half full, everyone deserves a second chance, there aren't really any bad people, just bad situations...And I've moved so far the other way...The glass isn't half full....it isn't half empty Fuck the glass, someone's just going to take it or break it anyway...just give it and everything else away so you don't miss it when someone else fucks it up. I pray to GOD that he helps me. I'm not a bad person. I could never actually hurt someone else. But I talk...and I pretend to listen while I calculate the next words I say to push that person just a little farther...How much farther into your own darkness can I push you. Tell me about your new actions. Tell me about how you started acting on those feelings. Tell me about how far you've pushed it today. Oh...that's really far...but did you think of this? So many people are so weak willed they don't even know what their doing. Some people, even if you've apologized for the pushing that you've done and how intense and obsessive you've made them...they don't believe that the girls with the sweet smile and the beautiful speaking voice could ever do any harm. She's so sweet and good and has a little bit of a dark side...but she's really good. OMG...if I could only be good again.