because of you
Posted Feb 6, 2012 by anonymous | 421 views | 1 comments
you were the first man i ever fell in love with. i moved away from my whole family and across the country for you. you would beg me to tell you i loved you during sex and i would, meaning every word but sure you never heard me. you would tell me that this was all we could have, there wasn't anything else. that was ok by me because i never wanted you to marry me, i just wanted you to love me as much as i loved you. your friend told me you loved me very much, that i didn't know how much. but i always felt like i was on hold. like something was wrong with me and you were just waiting to see what it was. like you were waiting for a woman i could never be. someone pretty and polished and professional who wore skirts and manicures and high heels. you gave me a replica of your ex wife's wedding ring for christmas and told me "it didn't mean anything". you left me alone time and time again. i understand now that you were just afraid and waiting for me to screw up and hurt you. which i did. i cheated on you. i didn't understand anything about why you were the way you were. i just felt alone. i know that now, but it doesn't change the scars you left me with. because of you i am so afraid to love again. i'm afraid that i will never be good enough, that i can't ever be enough, that nothing i ever do or say or feel will be enough. which is why i get involved with married men or emotionally unavailable men. i know right from the start there will never be anything of myself that i will give. i can't be rejected because i'm not offering anything. i can't be denied because i'm not asking anything.the saddest part is i want to love and be loved freely again. like i loved you. like i would love you again if you asked. because i understand now. and i'm sorry.
Commented Feb 7, 2012 by anonymous
Don't bother about what was happened. It was the past. Start a new beginning of life.