in december, 2004, i left a lover, our relationship had become frightning, and i felt the best and ONLY thing to do was disconnect. why was i scared? i heard history about my lover i did not feel comfortable with, ( domestic viloence), as well, i got a glimps of it 'between us'. about 2 weeks after our seperation, i found that i was pregnant- now what was i going to do? i am scared of this man- 'note' we only new eachother for a month. i experienced some magick i had never known (with him) and as well, some fear i had never known from another. i was very confused, lost and desperate. i have 2 kids from a previous marriage, ages 3 and 6, i keep them close in all choices i make. now, why didnt i do this when getting involved with another intimantly! (note- i new my lover for one month - we got pregnant AND seperated). well here is my confession- finding out i was pregnant i eventually arranged for an abortion (december 2004), the baby was about 5 weeks when he/she died. i did not tell the father i was pregnant until just this year when we GOT BACK TOGETHER! inbetween all this time, i have acted in ungodly ways- could this behavior from the the abortion? sure! my lover and i have been 'working' on the aftermath of all that has happened, he goes to post abortion council and i stay far away from him..WHY? because of domestic violence, there has been a few very frightning occasions of abuse . NOW- why is he hitting on me? lover said- he would never had treated me like this BUT, he is dealing with more pain then he can handle from the abortion, he begs me to stay- repeats his words/abuse over again. i know better 'dont i', then to remain in a relationship that is abusive. then why am i in this sittuation all over again?, he continues to tell me that he does not want this ( abusive behavior ) and he is troubled from the abortion. he as well drinks and gets violent, he swears he is not drinking ANYMORE and all this is billed up from what i did. now why would i deal with this LOL? even if i love him, his good/bad. what about his past histoy of domestic violence? sure it was like 10 years ago - but, it is there, it exist. he continues to beg me for understanding. tells me that this 'is not him' doesnt want this, wont drink and is never going to hurt me again. HEARD THAT BEFORE! and giving him the oportunity to even exspress all of this over again...isnt that understand, would you see me to be somewhat of understanding? am i guilty- do i in some starnge sick way understand why he treats me like this? but what about the history he has> doesnt that count as any value? would i have had an abortion knowing what i understand about it now ( i kiiled my baby ) NO! absolutly not! would i have been more wise in intamacy? yes absolutly! should i have told him i was pregnant in 2004? yes absolutly! did he have the right to know? yes all fathers do. do i continue in this relationship? help me. do i love him? yes. do i love his illness? no. does he love me? i dont understand it but i believe he does. i need wise councel. please help me. as of now i am keeping my distance, i speak to him over wire and i play everquest with him.