I have rebelled in some of the worst ways - against my family, against my friends, against my employers. I don't rebel because I think it's a 'cool' thing to do... I rebel because I am terribly frustrated at my own life, and I fight against it constantly. I have had many opportunities, and many (or all) I have thrown away. Then I feel trapped, doing something I don't want to do, like a job that I get stuck in, or a family obligation that I want no part in, or a social activity I feel awkward in. Then I rebel. I complain, I destroy, I lie, I steal, I manipulate, I demonstrate my anger and bitterness. I hate people and situations that seem to trap me, but I know deep down that it is me that traps myself. I want to stop doing this to myself, but even when I have gotten caught, gotten in trouble, gotten disciplined, gotten demoted, even when I have been punished, and been made regretful, I still have not yet changed. I keep thinking I will never do it again - never hurt someone vindictively, never lie, never do the wrong thing, never rebel... but I do, again and again. I have always felt wronged, and this is my ego speaking, and I know that there is no justification for bad behavior. I have done the wrong thing, over and over and over again. I am a fully grown adult, and I still do the wrong thing. I probably sound like a masochist now who wants to be punished. I never looked at it that way, but maybe I am. I have made choices to behave a certain way, and I accept that. I know it's easier to blame other people, but I want to acknowledge that I have been the one who is in the wrong, many times, and nobody else is to blame for my choices but me. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel regretful, and I feel very low. I feel that I deserve what I have gotten, and probably moreso. I want to confess to having done the wrong thing, and to having known full well what I was doing at the time. I want to confess to blaming other people for my own actions, and for refusing to learn from my mistakes. I am not a religious person, but I want to confess, and I want to atone for my sins. I want to do better in my future life. I want to start afresh, and be cleansed, or baptised, in a way. I want to find a way to do this, that makes sense to me, and I want to be a better person.