I was driving home tonight and this song has come on. I felt it was a very appropriate song for my mood and now I'm listening to it for what seems like a hundredth time today. I kept thinking to the time you promised over the phone to make time to call just for the sake of talking to me, update me on your new life and to make plans for me to come and visit. Time is going by, days are turning into weeks, weeks into months and here we are in July and I barley spoken to you over the phone and your emails are almost never personal. It does not help that every time you call I find myself at the loss for words, because you tend to be in a hurry and the things I do want to tell you, like how much I miss you, just does not seem appropriate. One thing I was looking forward to was a trip to NY, to see you and spend sometime together. I hope you realize that you don't owe me anything for the flowers. I've sent them to you because of how much you mean to me. I chose pink roses because they mean elegance which I find appropriate description of you. When you told me about your plans to make it up to me back here I got a feeling that knocked the wind out of me; I got a feeling that you don't want me to come visit you. Right now I'm depressed, tired, little drunk from 5 bears I had before starting this, but most importantly I'm lost and confused. Tonight I kept thinking about everything you've said to me and I can't go on like this. I'm dying to know about your day to day life, about your current mood, about things that make your day and totally piss you off. I want to tell you about my frustrations and my conquests, get your feedback on things that are on my mind and share what ever funny moments that came up. As I've said previously, I can't go on like this! If do care for me on any level you will tell me exactly where we stand. Are we friends who are civil to each other, exchange an email ones in a while and don't mind doing a favor or two when needed. Are we close friends who make it a point to keep one another informed on anything significant that is going on in their lives. Or do we make it a point to spend time in each other's company, learn that we can always depend on each other to be there without questions when needed, share private moments where no one else is invited and don't question when one does something nice for another. I guess you can take a piece of mind that no matter what your decision will turn out to be, you will not loose me as a fried, nor will I stop being dependable, but please make it clear as I don't think I can go like this for much longer. I don't think it's much of a secret that I'm kicking myself for letting you go years ago. Back then I thought that I was something special, I was just starting to earn my own keep, I didn't have to work much on anything I set out to do and I just came out of several easy, but very fake relationships. When I encountered the first real bump along the road when we tried dating, I did something stupid and quit when I should have recognized it as something worth fighting for. These days I'm smarter; I know what is worth fighting for and I don't follow easy ways anymore. I chose hard work that is going to open up opportunities in the future and it's too easy for me at this time to be loose myself to work, to forget that outside world exists and that working 60 hours a week is not healthy. The truth is that I need someone Shayna, someone like you to be a counterweight to all that work, to be the most important peace of my life. This is why I need to know where we stand, we got to talk it over. No matter what you will not loose me as a friend, I will still be there when you need me, be it 10,000 ft in the air with a guy strapped to my back, or with nothing but an aqualung keeping me alive underwater, or with sweat to keep me from overheating when moving all your things back from that small storage room (thought this time I'm renting a U-Haul). Anyway, listen to the song, think about (take as long as you need) and give me a call. Love, Gene