I need for everyone who reads this to pray for me or understand. Right now I am drinking a hard drink to make me forget the fact that i have been laid off and have not found a job for 2 1/2 years. I tried, I really have tried. Many temp jobs but nothing permanent. My husband has lost all interest in me, even though I tell him i will leave if he wants, he still does not want me to go. I find many condoms in his drawer and wallet. Although we use condoms, we have not used them in months. I repulse him very much. It hurts. He feels that if a woman is not working she is a monkey wrench whore. That is just how he treats me. I use to be his personal slut until i lost my job, then he felt that if money was not coming in from me, I was not worth anything. I have tried to make him happy by cooking his meals, looking for work, and trying to help him with his promotions by helping him study for his exams. He does not remember this, the only thing he remembers is that his wife who use to make over 36,000 now only has a little unemployment. I don't understand?? When we were dating he was in the hospital 2 times, I paid for all of his medical expenses which were over $50,000. I lost weight just to see if he would respond, it did not work. I use to weigh 300 now I weigh 210. True, I am still a fat ass but I work out 4 times per week. It does not phase him. He says he wishes i was dead. I know I should leave, but i have no place to go, no family or friends. The friends I do have have lots of children, they cannot help me. Maybe my life is like he said, a body that is taking up too much air. My God, I thought after a bad a childhood that my adult life would be filled with love and success, instead, I am a unemployed, fat woman in her 50's who has reached the end of her rope. When you read this, try to understand. I did try, for over 15 years with him I did try, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I just decided today to drink until i do not feel anymore, yes, maybe tomorrow morning i will be sick or have a crying spell from drinking but at least for a brief moment, I am numb. To the young women who is reading this, take care of yourself first, go to school, be the best you can be and do not count on a man to give you the love and support, do that on your on. For the young men reading this, do not ever wish death upon your lady, if you do not want her anymore, just leave, if you love her, show her. God, I'm sorry I was such a mistake to you, maybe I should have been aborted like my mother used to say when she was angry with me. I want to die, but that is not the way, so what is the way? Forgive me, please forgive me.