it's been weeks since i've seen my child, and now it's spring break for my child. that means a whole week that my child can stay with me, and he was looking forward to it. my car is currently not safe to drive, nor can i afford to get it fixed right now, so i've been unable pick him up. his dad refuses to bring my child here unless there's something in it for him somehow. i wouldn't agree to being the designated driver for the dad and a friend of his over the weekend, so they could go out drinking and gambling all night, hence, the dad didn't bring the child up over the weekend either. yesterday, the dad agreed to bring the child over today as long as the child went to work with him to help out. i called about 1/2 hour ago to see if they were on their way, so i'd know when to start making dinner. the dad tells me that the child was up all night on the computer and didn't go to work with him today as a result, so he wasn't bringing him up today either. the dad stated that the child is only interested in the computer, and wasn't the least concerned that the dad would automatically wake up in a bad mood. that didn't settle well with me so i told the dad that the child wasn't responsible for his moods, and all's the child has left is the computer, since the dad pawned his PS2, and several other things that belonged to the child. the dad hung up on me, and that's very typical of him. of course, it's very obvious why anybody in their right mind wouldn't stay married to somebody with that kind of thinking, and i won't get into the other things he's said and done for years and years and years. point being, why in the hell do i bother to stay in this state anymore if most of the reason i've stayed all along has been because of my child? i rarely get to see him anymore, my car is damn near dead, the pay rate sucks, and so do most of the jobs, it's over-crowded with a bunch of con-artists and weirdos living here, my parents and siblings live in another state, and my ex seems to have full control over my life through my child. my child wants to move back in with me, but i told him to hold out until the end of the school year, so he's not switching schools so close to the end of it. even then, i'd have to tolerate the dad and hope he would cooperate. i divorced the dad over 10 years ago, but i cannot seem to get him out of my life no matter what i do. i had to run for my life when i left him, but i should have ran alot further away. i ended up back in this county because of a job that i was eventually layed off from, but all jobs were scarce where i moved to initially. i had another opportunity to move with a job transfer to NC, but i didn't take it after my ex said he'd fight me tooth and nail in court if i tried to leave. then, there was CA, where i planned on moving anyway after i tried it here for awhile. my ex-boyfriend asked me to move back there with him, but he didn't want me to bring my child, so we could live happily ever after without my ex interfering anymore. i stayed here, of course, as i wasn't going to leave my child behind. there have been several offers from different men over the years to move out of state, country, city, or whatever, but none of them are men i'd want to spend my life with, let alone sleep with, and i wouldn't give my child up for the man i almost married, so why would i give the child up for just any bozo out there just so i can be free of the ex? my child loves his dad and doesn't want to live more than an hour or two away, and i don't feel right about asking my child to make a choice between parents. although i have been done with my ex for mega years, i still have to deal with him, and i still feel like i have a ball and chain around my ankle. i never wanted to get married or have kids when i was younger. i wanted a career instead, and figured if i wanted kids or marriage, i'd have them eventually, and didn't think it was necessary to get married even if i did want a child. so, that's never been a priority with me. i feel like i've been forced to settle down, because i settled with somebody that i never would have married if i wasn't pregnant. did i mention my ex is and has been completely obsessed with me since he was 19? he recently turned 38, and nothing's changed for him. he intends on punishing me for leaving him as long as i stick around. if he can't do it directly, he does it through my child, and that's just plain sick thinking. he already warned me of how he'd handle things if i tried to leave the county. i am completely torn between leaving and staying, and i've only got a few more years before the legal aspect is no longer there. i can't even act like i have a boyfriend or anything because my ex makes my life more of a living hell when i do. if he hadn't been so scared of my ex-boyfriend killing him, i never would have been able to stay with him as long as i did. oh, but he did make things as difficult as he could for my ex-boyfriend by constantly reminding my child that he wasn't the real father and he didn't have to listen to anything he said. when you start pumping that into a child's head from the time they're 3 years old, they tend to believe it. so, here i sit with no transportation, and no child, wondering what the hell i'm suppose to do. i don't have a job right now either. i had one lined up at an assisted living facility, but my car's transmission went out before i could start. i don't have any extra cash lying around, so i can't get it fixed right now either. my mortgage, etc. is a priority, of course, and that's all i can manage right now because of other things breaking down that had to be repaired. i went over my grocery budget to prepare for my child's stay with me, and the child isn't even here. i don't even eat half of the stuff i bought for the child. i have been self-sufficient all my life, no alimony, and barely any child support over the years. right now, i feel like i don't have much more to lose, but i don't want to lose contact with my child, so i can be free to move about the country. i feel like that would make me a selfish person, and i've never been a taker, but a giver. i suppose i've written enough now. i'll go back and reflect on this at a later date.