Well here I am again, strung out on heroin, going through detox again, alone. For those of you who do not know it is not fun. My hands are shaking so hard right now every other key has to be deleted to fix the fuck ups here. My day started off at 5am when I awoke from a dream about booting up in a cold sweat, covered in sweat. From there I proceeded to cough and gag until I threw up bile for what seemed like eternity. I haven't been able to eat or sleep in days so puking takes all the energy in the world. After that I made it to the bathroom so I could sit on the toilet and have cramps for awhile. Then I took a shower bearly able to lift my arms up enough to wash proper. Fun huh. After I got out I sat on the toilet for awhile longer and dripped dry, not by plan but because I lack the strenght and motivation to do any more. Well by the grace of god alone I'm able to get dressed and drag my worthless ass to an NA meeting this morning, where I will sit amongst others in my position and listen to them all talk about higher powers and how great being sober is. Fuck that. What's so great about being sober? As einstein said 'reality is only an illusion, albeit a very persistant one'. Reality sucks. This is my reality, puking, hurting, twitching, craving and all alone. No friends left, pushed them all away for the dope, no motivation, the dope sucked that out of me, no hope. All it would take is one hit to make this all go away, to feel real again or at least what I have grown to know as real. No more pain, no more horrible thoughts just sweet tranquility and then a good night sleep. I know if I keep this up I'll end up dead but honestly right now that thought does not bother me at all. I honestly do not know if I'll ever be able to kick this shit, god I hope so because a life like the one I am in right now isn't worth a shit. Right now it's only 8am and I have no idea how I am going to fill up the next 12 hours till I am hopefully able to sleep again. Pain, emptiness, boredom, loneliness... my life. Pray for me...