Hair Removal.... > > This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A > HOOT!) All hair removal methods have tricked women with > their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, > razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... > > My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, > play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in > my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out > of the medicine cabinet.' > > So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those > 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips > together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press > them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. > > No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I > am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) > > So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other > stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so > I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' > yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my > thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! > > OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do > this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all > wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. > > With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I > sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting > championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. > > Using the same proc edure, I apply the wax strip across the right side > of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching > down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) > > I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! > > I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! > > Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the > strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and > spotted. > > I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do > I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. > > I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused > me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in > the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! > > There's no hair on it. > > Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? > > Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the > hair. The hair t hat should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am > touching wax. > > I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now > covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG > mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I > need to do something. So I put my foot down. > > Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! > > I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and > think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.. My head may > pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? > > Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can > stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax > should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? > > *WRONG!!!!!!!* > > I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to > torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. > > Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued > together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of > the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold > wax. > > So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented > myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few > months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! > > I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some > secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter > 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' > > There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal > but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly > where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?' > > She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown > and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. > > YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While > we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax > off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies > covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and > then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, > dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need > Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. > > My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving > grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. > > > What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY > GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out > of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! > > > It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs > up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my > grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE .......ALL OF IT! > > So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. > > I could have amputated my own leg at this point. > > Next week I'm going to try hair color....................................