I hate myself, I hate what I do to people. I'll never change and I'll never be happy. I expect people to read this and think "wow just another teenager who hates himself". I resent everyone of you and I envy all of you in a way you will never understand. I'm not suicidal and I don't plan to kill myself... I just want an answer. An answer for all of this. I wrote an article here about a year and a half ago. I wrote it on September 23, 2012 called controlled schizophrenia. it's a perfect representation of what I go through on a daily basis. I have an answer finally to all my questions. Me and Sean, we share the same spirit and give off the same energy. He loved rebekuh just as much as I did and he still hasn't moved on from her he's not willing to let her go. Until he does I'll never be able to love anyone else. My feelings will be there and then Sean will make me see that my feelings will never be like they were for rebekuh and my feelings shortly there after drop dead for someone I cared so much about. But how do you tell someone you love that, tell them that no matter what they feel now, it's just gonna die and I'm not going to feel anything fir them anymore. Almost like meeting a complete stranger on the sidewalk. They go on living their lives almost like they never existed. Like you never met them before. One day it happens. I'm incapable of loving someone and understandably anyone's gonna say that's bullshit but you know what I don't care anymore. Try living a life where eventually someone you loved more than anything you could ever imagine, just waking up one day knowing that you couldn't care less if they walked out that front door. Humans are truly extraordinary creatures. The things our bodies are capable of doing not to mention what our minds are capable of. Again I resent and envy all of you in a way you will never understand. But it's not your burden to bare, it's mine. I don't know what I did to deserve this.