Where do I start? I am almost 47 years old, and have lived with this since the age of 4 or so. I am not exactly sure the age I was when it began. I could have been younger, but just don't remember that far back. I came to write this down anonymously because it has begun to consume my every thought, especially when I am trying to sleep or relax. I am hoping by writing this, I will be somewhat free of this. I have 5 children, the 3 eldest are girls, and I have tried my VERY best to keep this from happening to them, and I still have to watch out for my 15 yr.old daughter, when he is around. I watch like a hawk! You can be sure of THAT! My first memory is of nap time, and my father putting his hand down the front of my underwear. I believe I was 4. My mom, still today, jokes how much I would cry and carry on when it was "nap-time." He would also come into my room at night, after my Mom was asleep, I guess, and I can remember thinking he was like a monster to me, like Frankenstein or Dracula would be. When my door would open, I would feel the terror of seeing it was him in just his underwear, coming in. I don't even have any memories at ALL of age 6. God knows what happened then. Once, when I was about 5, I was playing with a little girl at her house while our moms talked in the living room. I made her play the game of sitting on my lap, but first pulling her pants and underwear down. Where the HELL does a kid of 5 get such an idea? Going ahead in time now, to developing breasts and all, early. About age 11-12. My father smacking my butt as I went buy, or grabbing it. My younger brother, by 2 years, copying him. By 14-15 I would be chased through the house daily while they tried to grab my ass or boobs. This was "ok" to them in my home. I couldn't even stand still, like talking on a phone because my father would grab me. I was on high alert at all times. Stressed to the max. Once, my father chased me down the hall, as he caught up to me, he by passed my butt and grabbed me between my legs from behind. His finger landing squarely on my vagina. I sped up screaming and managed to lock myself in my parents bathroom, yelling that I would tell Mom, and him saying why, what's the matter? He was just playing! My Mom was clueless, she would say, "oh stop it, you guys. leave her alone."But nothing else. She once bought me a book about puberty and sexual things, called, "Our bodies, Ourselves." It came up missing, I gave up looking for it. I am 16 now, and I go out to get away from my house. I come home one night, earlier than usual, walking in the front door, to my living room to find my father, pants unzipped and open, hand down them and he is throwing something to the side and it hits the wall hard! I kind of hurry around the corner trying to unsee what I saw, and I happen to glance at the thrown object. It's my missing book. Our bodies, Our Selves. My Dad was jacking off to my book. Mom in bed as usual. Going ahead to 18 yrs. old. Trying to be away as much as possible. I finally decide to tell my Mom. I take her to a quiet place in public, and tell her the best I can. She immediately gets very defensive, and tries to push it off, as my overactive imagination!! Well, I was just so dejected. I felt absolutely lonely. I have a female cousin 4 years older than I who was also assaulted by my father, but she wouldn't talk to me about it, nor anyone else. I had read about it at the age of 14, when we were visiting, she had left the house, and I had snooped in her diary. When I tried to talk to her about it, she focused on being pissed that I had snooped, instead of banding together with me to tell our families and get my father help. Boy! Was I dope!? How naive of me! I have my first child, a daughter, at age 20. I hope to God my father leaves her alone. BUT!? I, being a young and clueless mother, wanted to just go out and party! I trusted my Mom with her, of course! At age 12-15 mos. my daughter became EXTREMELY freaked out when it was time to change her diaper. I was puzzled, and thought maybe it was a phase? She would fight me like crazy, and sob. She was always red down there, so I took her to a Dr. who said everything was fine, no yeast infection or anything. (I had no idea babies could get yeast infections!) He sent us on our way. I started working again and found a babysitter, who pulls me aside one day and asks if my daughter had ever been abused by a man? I said, "WHAT!? WHY!?" She then said when her husband came home, he tried to talk to her and went to pick her up, and she went ballisitic on him! I knew right then. I knew. I picked us up and moved far away. She is now almost 27. I don't know if she has any memory. And I can't exactly PROVE it, even to myself. My second eldest, is now 22 and I watch(ed) him around her and my now 15 yr. old. LIKE A HAWK! The 22 yr. old at age 16, was outside my home with her Grandpa, their backs to me and as I was walking by (inside the home) and saw them through the sliding door, I saw my father turn his head to look back behind them as he slipped his hand down the back of her shorts, the inside of her shorts. Not on top. He saw me, he jerked his hand out of her shorts so fast. I went straight out that door and told her to come here as calmly as I could. Not looking at him. I couldn't I was so disgusted and afraid of what I might do or say. I cancelled the rest of what we were all supposed to do together, a trip, my Mom pissed becasue I wouldn't say why. My father is also an alcoholic, I warn my 15 yr. old when we visit them or they visit us. She knows Grandpa can be too touchy, with or without alcohol. HOW SAD?! How sad I have to go about it a dishonest way, warning my precious child. HOW SAD I have to do this at all? What a fucked up situation. She has no idea what happened to me growing up, to her sisters. I can only give her warnings. She is smart, though. I think she knows there is much more of a reason than I say. I am not only pissed off at him, my mother, and my cousin. I am super pissed that I will NEVER be able to say anything, and the person I am most pissed off at? ME!!! Please dear God let this confession be the catalyst that helps me move on. Let this finally be pushed from my poor, tired mind. My parents are still alive. I still make sure my Dad is never around my kids alone. Helll!? I don't even allow myself to be around him, much. I hug him with hate and disgust. I hug him with my arms only and not my heart or body. When he dies someday, he is almost 70 now, I will mourn him a bit, but I will also be SO relieved. I have no relationship with my younger brother. I heard he has been in trouble for underage sexual actions. It must be a learned thing. Like father, like son. Thankfully, he has no kids, and I doubt he will ever have any. I think he knows what he is. Thanks in part, to our father. I just want to thank this site, and tell anyone that might be helped through reading this, PLEASE SPEAK UP! and if you are not heard, keep speaking up! SHOUT IT OUT, if you must, to be heard. KICK AND SCREAM AND LET IT OUT, and get help for yourself. Don't live with it, as it is one HELL of a lonely feeling.