i was always a conservative girl. first and foremost, i was homeschooled. and i never really grew up around guys at all...the most i knew of talking to males was the interent, and we know 90% of them were creeps. then i went to college... i kissed a guy in the summer of my sophomore year....i was 18, and it was adorable. i fell for him, but he didn't want me back. it hurt badly. he also ended up sleeping with a close friend of mine at the time. i changed forever after that. second guy i kissed i started getting more sexual. and i'd go between him and the first guy i kissed. i kissed one other guy in between that time...but i always wanted more. the door was now open, and i wanted to explore myself sexually. then came my first boyfriend. i hate to this day he was my first. not in the sexual aspect necessarily, but just the first to ever really stick around. he's a douche at heart, wrapped in a nice guy clothing. he was a good little conservative boy too...but he was a freak. sex was his weakness more than anything. our relationship was all sex. but we didn't really get to know eachother. we were different people back then. when he broke up with me, it left a hole that never quite fixed. maybe because of my lack of experience, or maybe the dick really was just that good...hardly likely. i've hooked up with several more guys since then. including f**ing my "best friend" because i wanted to get over my ex so badly. my best friend still thinks the sex was because i cared...i wanted to think the sex was because i cared. but in reality, the whole thing was a snap decision to just...have sex. and get over my ex. cut to months later. my ex and i are both single. we had sex three times this summer, the last being yesterday. i want more of him...sexually. i want more of him...mentally. but i'm not in love with him. i see the girls he wants, and although they're not that terribly attractive, who they are and what they think makes them damn sexy. and i'm jealous as hell. because i struggle alot with my self-esteem. i feel like i'm neither pretty nor interesting. i crave having a good conversation with a guy that's more than sex. When we had sex yesterday, I could feel this time it was all for him. I wanted it to, but it just wasn't the same like the other times...maybe it's because we were rushing, maybe it was because...I dunno. It was good. But it wasn't great. I feel bad. I feel so bad that a good Christian girl likes a good f**ing, and has only had two guys that have played with her head and her body. I feel bad that my ex is good at sex...and I'm too stupid and closed to try more guys. I screwed up. I wasn't raised this way.