Stop Haunting Me
Posted Aug 24, 2012 by anonymous | 447 views | 3 comments
I don't know what to do anymore. It's been a year, and I'm still in the same place that I was when I kicked him out. My sister insists I get a therapist, but I can't talk about it without feeling like I'm going to throw up. I feel like I'm drowning. I don’t know what it’s like to be raped by a stranger. I don’t know what it’s like to scream no again and again as you’re violated. I do not know what it’s like to be beaten until you’re bruised and bleeding. I do know what it’s like to be coerced and know you don’t want it. I do know what it’s like to be verbally abused and to be gaslighted. I know what it’s like to be choked until you cough. I do know what it’s like to say “that hurts” and be ignored. Why did he do this to me for 2 years? Why did I let him? Why can't I tell anyone? He'll never know what he did to me on the inside. I don't think he'd care. I don't know how to move on. I drink so much to try to forget, but I only remember more. I'm not afraid to die anymore. To be honest, it seems like it would be a relief...I just don't know what to do.
Commented Oct 25, 2012 by anonymous
First of all, congratulations for kicking him out. You were in a dangerous, abusive relationship and had the courage to get him out of there before it got worse. Many do not. You survived and deserve to be proud of that. Though it may not seem directly applicable, The Survivor's Guide to Sex might help you with the coercion aspects of the relationship and get you started in the right direction for healing. It's going to take time, but you have time on your side. Be gentle on yourself in ways that your abuser was not. You may not be ready for counseling to sort through the complex feelings or to join a self-help group of people who have had similar experiences and know what you've been through. It's time for some self-care, it's okay to remember, and to grieve on your own. When you are ready to take the next step, you will know.
Commented Aug 26, 2012 by Uncle Bud
You loved him and he took advantage of you. He deliberately hurt you over and over. You did the right thing.
Commented Aug 24, 2012 by anonymous
Seems like a ghost story.