I recently read another anonymous's confession of being molested and how it has since affected her life. That post has inspired me to come forward (anonymously of course) about my own molestation. (names and locations are purposely omitted) It all started when a cousin of mine moved 1 state north. She is about 3 years older than me. When I was about 8, she moved up north. Her mother was arrested soon after for drug or prostitution charges or something, and she had to live with our grandmother. Every so often, I would go spend the night at my grandmother's house to hang out with my cousins who lived either with her or nearby. The aforementioned cousin had a Nintendo 64 in her room and would sometimes let me play it. One night, my grandmother was asleep and we were the only two other people in the house (and awake). That night I wanted to play her N64 and asked her to play. She said she would let me after I did something first. I asked what it was, and she said she wanted me to say goodnight to her. I said "goodnight" and she got mad and said "not like that!" I was confused as to what she meant. She then stripped off her clothes and had me remove mine as well. She laid down on her bed and told me to lay on top of her. She had me suck on her developing breasts and then spread her legs and guided my cock into her pussy. She told me to move it in and out, but don't fully take it out of her. I did so, and it felt kinda good, but not as good as I would find sex to be later in life. I felt like I had to pee (which was how I at 8 could only describe it) so I told her, and she told me to go pee, because if i actually peed in her pussy, I would ruin it. Not wanting to ruin her (or anyone really. I was a really nice kid back then) I went to the bathroom and found it strange that as soon as I got to the bathroom, the urge to pee went away. I went back and told her I didn't have to go after all, and she ushered me back between her legs. When that sensation came back again, I went to the bathroom, only to find the same phenomenon. I went back to her room, and she said we were done. I didn't get to play her N64 that night, and I was instructed to never tell anyone if I wanted to even have a chance to play that N64. Fast forward a couple of years, and somehow her circumstances forced her to move into my mother's house. By then, I was no stranger to fucking her (with no orgasm on my part, as I still thought it was a need to pee, and was told nothing different, with the exception of one time I thought she told me that if white stuff came out of her [I later realized that she meant white stuff coming out of me and going into her, not just coming out of her.], that she would get pregnant. {My father left soonish after I was born, so I didn't want to be a dad unless I was ready to be one, and I certainly wasn't ready back then}). With her conveniently next door to my room and her quickly becoming a slut, orgasm-less (I'm pretty sure she never got off, seeing as how I was 10 or 11 at the time) sex became an almost nightly thing. One night, my mother was working the graveyard shift, and she decided to have a few guys over. My mother always told me to keep watch of the house and let no rules be broken, and one of these rules was not to have anyone over while she wasn't there. (My mother also from a very early age, brow-beat me into submitting to most any non-harming commands of anyone in the family older than me, as all they had to do was ignore me and point out that they were older, and suddenly I HAD to listen to them, even if I was the only resident in the house. But that's another fucked up tale I should save for a shrink.) One of my classmates found himself over at my house at this same time. I later realized that this was a "you're gonna get in trouble too if you snitch" measure she took against me (she regularly took advantage of my naivety and my good nature on many occasions, and it wasn't just sexually). My classmate was briefly in her room (the door was shut, and there were like 2-5 guys in there) and he said that they were "putting their dicks between her coochie without any rubbers." I dismissed on the surface, but after they all went home, I felt that I HAD to tell my mother about it, but not right as soon as my mother got home. I waited about a month or so to tell my mother about the guys being over while she wasn't there. As soon as she knew, my mother kicked my cousin out of the house. I didn't see her again until I was about 14 or so. When I saw her again, she mentioned nothing indicating that she even remembered what she did to me. I never told anyone about what we had done years before. The aftereffects of what happened during my childhood still reach me to this day. In high school, although I was an otherwise normal teenage boy, I didn't want to have sex, and wanted to only go as far as kissing. Because I still somehow retained most of my naivety I never got very far socially or sexually with anyone, so it was a moot point anyway. When I left for college, I was still super naive and was quickly forced to adapt and shed that naivety in order to have a chance socially. I successfully shed the last of it my sophomore year, and got my first (and only as of this writing) serious girlfriend. At first I was scared of what she would think if she knew that she wasn't my first, but a molestation was my first, but i decided to go with my policy of not telling anyone about it, and lied to her saying that I was still a virgin, so my then-girlfriend was my "first time." What was strange was that even though I found her attractive, and did want to have sex with her, sometimes I would lose all sexual desire. Not just for her, but in general. It never lasted more than a day or 2 at a time, and as our relationship continued, I sort of forgot about my molested past, and those moments of asexuality all but disappeared. After we broke up, I found myself back in my hometown. At first I was ready to try to get back in the saddle (after properly venting my newly revived anger which had all but vanished the moment I entered college), but as time went on I found myself having less of a desire to find a new girlfriend. (It also doesn't help that the type of girl I want, I can't seem to find in my suburban hometown because of a lack of real networking for me there, and it's a pretty boring place for anyone in between high school and having their own kids, so most people in that range move away [This is a personal theory of why I think the census reads that my age range is one of the lowest in population density in my hometown].) Recently, I've been trying to look at what I need to do to make myself into the kind of man that a good woman can appreciate, and after some introspection, I found that I have to face some inner demons before I can move forward towards living a life where I can feel that I can actually be a person, and not a robot merely going through the motions. Slowly I've been dealing with my deep seeded feelings of rejection and general loss of hope (due to the -many- issues that I've developed growing up, and not just because of the molestations I have suffered.[And not just by this cousin, this was the longest case, so this is the one I am confessing today], but I feel that I am still a long way off. Again, I've never told anyone this, but I feel that I need to in order to help me move forward with my life. Also I still need a shrink. tl;dr: I was molested by an older cousin as a kid, and I'm recognizing how much that time helped fuck with my emotions and sexuality. And sorry if this ends up being one massive paragraph. I tried to break it up into paragraphs based on chronological events.