I wish dating wasn't such a big deal. When I actually wanted to date, mom said I couldn't until I was like 30. And she was serious. And I thought to myself, " forget that! Once I'm out of the house you cant do anything about it!" But now that I don't know ANY attractive girls, (attractive on the inside. I know a lot of hot girls, unfortunately they're all over the place) mom AND dad are pushing me to date. And not in a pushy way either. In an annoying kind of way, where they ease into the subject and say things like, "Before you know it you'll be old and alone!" Or "too bad about that one girl you used to like, shes dating someone else. So when are you going to get a girl friend?" Even if I could find someone attractive, they're not going to want me. Im short, pale, weak, Emotional, and not well endowed to say the least. Even if they did like me as a person, they'd be constantly day dreaming about some fire fighter, or her 6'10" yoga instructor, or something. I don't want to be a beast of burden. Though I'm not much of a beast. The point is, I could never satisfy a woman. I'm better off alone, because then I don't have to drag anyone down, and they can't hurt me. They can't hurt me as badly any way. Loneliness sucks, but trust me, it hurts way worse to put yourself out there for some one who you think is amazing, that you are head over heels in love with, and to realize as you're completely vulnerable, that they wish you were someone else. That you can't satisfy their needs, so they fantasize about basketball players, and actors, and band members. It makes you want to just shrivel up and die. Like a brown recluse, being sprayed with pest spray. And thats how you feel, like a pest. Like you're in the way. Like you're less than useless. You're a hindrance. And they want to get rid of you as soon as possible so they can live a happy life without you in their big house, with their major league baseball playing husband, their three kids, and a golden retriever. If they did date you, and then marry you, they would be settling. Kind of like how I want a Ferrari, but I drive a dodge ram everyday. And thats why I don't want to get married. Whats the point? I would be married but my wife wouldn't. If she didn't get restless and cheat on me for real, she'd be thinking about it all the time. Why do people make such a big deal out of dating. And marriage. Im going to be alone. My whole life. Why does that have to be a negative thing? More food for me. I will have better opportunities to witness to people. In fact I could be a foreign missionary! I could go to other countries and show people Gods love, without having to leave a family behind for weeks, months, or years at a time. Or worse yet take them with me, and take care of them, and feed them, and protect them. I could just go, and love people. But it has to be a bad thing. Maybe I don't care if I die alone dad! Maybe I want it that way! Maybe, I actually prefer being alone because then, I can't get hurt! Because then, I can be weak and ugly on the outside, and It doesn't matter! Iv'e spent my entire life listening to mom and dad. And even when their Ideas of how I should be, and how I should act, make me uncomfortable, I do it. Because life would be hell if I didn't. I don't want to have to go by my wife's plan for our lives. I want to be useful. To somebody. If I'm useless I might as well just off my self. I feel like I'll be far more useful to God alone then I would be useful to a woman. I do get lonely though. I have no one to talk to about anything. I'm so alone. No one understands me. Even if they tried they couldn't understand. Not that anyone would try. I tried making up an imaginary girlfriend who I could talk to about things. It didn't work out... I felt even more pathetic talking to someone who wasn't even there. If I could find a woman worth marrying I might consider dating. Just for someone to talk to. I'd probably just let her sleep with whoever she wanted. As long as I didn't have to see it, and we could talk to each other about stuff.... But I'd still feel pathetic. I just feel so unwanted. And if I decide to just be alone the rest of my life ill have a whole new set of problems. Nagging parents will become match makers. Teasing friends will become tormenters. And there will always be a strongly disapproving society to look forward to. I'm in a lose lose situation. Iv'e been a loser my whole life. All I want Is to be a winner for once.