I am the daughter of three kids. One is slightly retarded, but my parents refuse to get him diagnosed. Instead the insist that he gets a job, but no one will hire someone who doesn't understand shit... My sister is a stay at home mom with no husband, lives off of welfare with 2 babies. And I, the youngest and considered the strangest, am a fat, nervous, hideous, disgusting, uneducated, piece of shit. I never knew I could hate someone so much. I never knew I could hate myself. Wasting all this time being depressed over not having friends or lovers. Wondering why Christmas gifts were miss interpreted. Having to guess why mother considered my hugs and kisses dirty as a child. Now I can't kiss the one I love with out thinking of the grim infesting their body, and multiplying in their mouth. I can't stop thinking about how my father called my a bad shaped man, because he lost his earphones and blamed it on me. Or how my mom wished she got that abortion in college. Everything I've learned I've learned on my own. I never got the talk, my mother thought it would be a lot more "comfortable" for me to learn about sex and periods in school. But who tells me to respect myself? Who tells me I am worth the wait? It's not like I can manufacture respect and hope for myself if I never knew what it was. My, my, my i was a sensitive child. Everything hurt. And I cried for hours because I couldn't erase the bad thoughts from my mind. Every time I cried I thought of how worthless a child I was. How could someone make such a hideous dumb child? My mother would beat me with cold irons, brooms, children chairs, bottles, what ever she could grab. All because I spilled something, or I ate too much, or because I was crying and wouldn't tell her why. I hated her. I hated her even more because she looked like me. She let a couple of her fav kids destroy my cherished guitar that I got for my 8th birthday when I was 14. She simply looked at me and got annoyed. I started my period at 9 and then the smell of fish came. I told her about it when I was ten. She told me to take a bath. But the smell didn't stop. I told her at 12 she told me it was because Of the dudes I messed with. I was a virgin at the time... I told her again, and she looked at me in disgust then told me to bathe. So I took it as being normal. It continued until I was 17. And now I cannot bear children. No matter what position I'm in or if I'm ovulating. I'm sure my ovaries have decayed and my eggs have blackened and hardened. Its not my fiancee either. for he slipped a while back with a pregnant mistress..... really? And they wonder why I'm so selfish. Why when I cook I cook for only me. When I shop I buy things I like. I just want to be happy in the world I created. Where there is silence and nothing smells like my mothers annoying little dogs crap. Where the little bitch doesn't shit in my bed, then my mother blames me for not training HER dog into being a better pet, or leaving my door open. My father hates that I lost my beauty. I was a modelesque, brown beauty with smooth black curly hair that ran down my back. No dark circles around the eyes, pretty ivory teeth, and a size10 145 lbs Now 2 years later. I weigh 200 pounds and counting, my hair has fallen from stress and dyes. I have raccoon eyes and my hair is a frizzy mess. He tells me that I am ugly I guess as motivation to get myself back. But it makes me want to eat more and more until I can't breathe. And I only accept it. I've learned to accept so many things..... From my weight, to my failures. To my loneliness and the fact that no one will ever truly know me. I just want to get up and be happy. Face the world with no burdens or regrets. I want to be limitlessly joyful of life. But all I know is how to hate myself. Because that's what I've learned.