I don't know what I'm confessing for, I just need to tell someone that I'm struggling. I am crumbling under the weight of expectation. I am a BS biology major and a division 1 athlete, I was just drafted for my sport. I am foreign and my family is all in another country. I miss them all the time but also find myself hating to return because my family is also crazy. I love them but they give me anxiety. My brother is in rehab and kept stealing things, he stole my vespa while I was away and used it for drug money. My mother had a drinking problem, and used to break things in the house and cry. My father cheated on my mother. Despite the fact that I have a whole team and many friends I feel so alone. I feel like I'm barely able to keep my head above water and constantly find things slipping through the cracks. I hate the fact that I have never had a real relationship but when do I have time to get to know someone properly. I feel fat all the time. I am in my BMI range but I am also very big. I am 5'11" and female.... so I'm above the height of the average male. I don't want to eat anymore. I'm feeling terrible because I am so behind on my work I don't even know where to begin. I just want to sit in a white room with white bed sheets and white tables and lie on the white carpet. I'm so tired. I feel like an asshole for feeling bad about my petty problems. I am an asshole, and a stupid, un-thankful, shithead. I don't know how to find God. People are always asking me about religion and if I know God, and I don't know, I don't have time for religion. There was a man, whom I considered a fatherly figure, who would have listened to me but I never had the courage to tell him what was on my heart even though he asked me all the time if I was alright.... Now he's died and I realized that I should have talked to him. I've never had the courage to tell anyone how I truly feel and that things have been so hard and that they're starting to slip. I don't have time, and when I do decide to procrastinate and take time off I'm so busy thinking about all the things I should be doing that I don't enjoy my time. I should not be saying these things. I'm sorry you had listen to me whine and waste more of my time not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I'm just so tired and I want to cry but I have no one to cry with. Even if I were home I would not be able to cry. I don't know how to find someone to cry with or feel comfortable crying in front of them. I'm such a stupid pussy. Why can't I just not be an asshole. I should just punch myself in the face and get back to work or maybe I will just go have sex with some random stranger and then I'll really have something to confess. No I would never have the courage for that because I am a coward.