Where do I begin? My whole life has been somewhat of a joke. When I was 3 my dad bailed on my brothers,myself, and my mom using every penny we had to buy cocaine and various other drugs. We were forced to move into a much smaller home, which we couldn't afford for long. We lived in a van for a week before my grandmother found out, and forced us to move in with her. Shortly after we moved in her trailer caught on fire. We finally managed to move into an apartment of our own, where my oldest brother couldn't manage to stay out of trouble, and I as always, couldn't manage to make friends. After a few years living there, we moved into a different neighborhood. Full of sexual predators, drug dealers, and life long problems waiting to happen. Two family members who were male started sexually molesting me, turning into rape. For a long time I blamed myself for not fighting harder. It made me miserable for years. I finally made a few friends, who turned out to be just as retarded as I am. I've made countless poor decisions as a young teenager. Did coke, drank, smoked pot, popped pills so many times I couldn't honestly tell you how many. I did it in public, at home, and somehow never managed to get caught really. Every single relationship I've had with a guy has been unhealthy and more or less ended up breaking me emotionally even more. I think about my childhood and the lack there of every single day. I always told myself I'd never end up being one of those fucked up chicks who can't get over being molested or raped. Yet, everyday I feel like I'm turning into that type of girl more and more. I can't get over it, I never had closure, never had an apology, and never managed to tell anyone up until my current fiance. Which beings me to another point. I feel like all of my emotional problems are going to ruin the one good relationship I've ever had. It was great at first, and now I feel like I'm going to end up scaring him eventually. He tells me he'll never leave me, and he loves me more than he loves himself. It killed him to know about my past, and I believe him when he tells me these things. It's just I feel like I'm getting worse, and not better. I want to get better. I'm jealous everytime he goes to his friends house, not because I want him all to myself but because I myself don't have a friend like he does. His friend constantly wants to hang out, and the 'friends' I have don't ever really want to do anything. Thus making me feel like I really don't even have a friend. I've attempted to fix this numerous times, tried making new friends, apparently I'm either too awkward or people just don't find me entertaining. Who knows? Right now, I'm jobless due to medical issues that left me terminated.. I'm having such a hard time finding a job, and I REALLY try and I REALLY want one. Financially it's to the point where we're barely getting by, if at all. It makes me feel even more worthless. I smile, laugh, and try SO hard to be happy but at the end of the day I cry myself to sleep or have to get so drunk I pass out. I'm sure I left out plenty, however once again I'm barely thinking rationally right now.