my only child is now 21 but he raped me when he was 19. he is in college and has been for two years. for privacy sake I will refer to him as Jeff. As a single mom it was tough getting him into a respectable college. Jeff has always been a tall and muscular boy and is a running back on his college football team and is a starter. I on the other hand am a petite woman and was a cheerleader for the same school he attends when I was his age(at the time he raped me). I knew that I was and still am an attractive woman, I have always worked out and at 40 I still run five miles a day except on Sunday and that is when I go to church. I also am religious and have attended church since my childhood and sang in the choir. My husband died suddenly several months after our marriage and because of my strict religious upbringing and faith I had not engaged in sex after my husbands death. So at soon to be a virgin again I had nearly regained my virginity for lack of sex. LOL.Never in life could I have even in my wildest dreams imagined Jeff to have sexual thoughts or that he used drugs. I knew that he loved rock music but thought all kids went through that phase. I thought him to be the perfect child. He took class on being a physical rehab. therapist and would occasionally give me back leg massage(and really was good at it!) but never once did he do anything even suggestive or untoward. He had never been the aggressive type either other than in sports. But on a particular Saturday night as I was trying to sleep because of Sunday church service, I had to go into his room and ask him to turn the music down. He complied but as I turned to leave, he grabbed me by the waist and forced me onto his lap on to sofa. I had on a blue terrycloth robe and his hand darted up to my panties and inside to feel me up. I was stunned and shocked beyond belief! I could feel his erection growing and I struggled to get up while yelling for him to STOP IT! I continued to struggle but at 120 lbs. I was no match for him. His fingers just kept going inside my vagina. He then removed my robe and I wore no bra and wore only panties He picked me up and carried me to his bed and jerked my panties off. I had never used drugs or even smoked cigarettes but he forced me to ingest a powder which I later discovered to be a mixture of meth and cocaine. Due to the shock of him about to rape me coupled with the drug, I was totally under his control. He buried his mouth between my legs and kept licking me down there while squeezing my breasts. He licked my vagina for perhaps an hour and then lay down on top of me and forced me to spread my legs. No one or anything had ever entered me so deep.. I had no idea his penis was so huge! Nor had I ever even wondered about it. At first it was so very painful I was certain that he would rip me open. It hurt so bad. He started to get angry because I refused to respond to his thrusting so he pinched and twisted my nipples and said he would pinch harder if I didn't move it back too him. So I reluctantly complied with his demands as I have a very low tolerance for pain. I'm sure that his penis is at or more than 10 inches and it took him most of an hour to get it all the way inside me. I became unaware of time but I knew when the clock chimed 3am that he had been thrusting inside me for most likely 4 hours and I could feel it every time he would orgasm. I am deeply ashamed to admit it but the drugs and nearly 20 years without sex was so electrifying that I lost count of my own orgasms! When I thought he was finally satisfied and withdrew from my vagina, he said now I want you to suck it. I was totally disgusted but did as he told me to. It was just so large I could hardly stretch my mouth to get several inches of it inside. I began to gag and choke as he squirted copious amounts of semen into my mouth and throat. Again I thought he was done but he told me to stay on the bed and he returned from the kitchen with a bottle of olive oil. He made me to get on my stomach and poured some of the oil onto my buttocks and started massaging my rear. Then slowly started putting a finger inside my anus. Then it was two fingers and before long he had 4 fingers inside my butt! He then got atop me and slowly entered some of it inside me. Before very long he was again all the way inside but this time it was my rear.. I didn't think it possible but I found that it was actually enjoyable! But I didn't orgasm. He did thought and I never would have thought a man could have so much sperm. Finally as it started getting daylight he emptied his last drop inside me and rolled off and simply said "thanks mom" Neither of us mentioned it for several days and had trouble making and keeping eye contact. But several days later he sneakily slipped something into my tea-which I later found to be a pill of what kids call MMDA. He came over and touched my shoulder and said " mom, sorry about the other night-I just lost control". The drug MMDA makes every touch warm and tingling and sensuous. He wanted to know if I would let him make it up to me with a massage and I agreed to. We soon were in bed together and have sex regularly. I know it is wrong and want to stop but am addicted to the things we do together in bed. I know that he also is addicted to the sex with me and I don't think he would allow it to stop. What can I do!?