Four years ago, I met this girl at a convention. She was (and still is) pretty, smart, funny, and kind. She and I were into all the same hobbies, had the same tastes for nearly everything from movies to music (but not food, heh) and we got along great. As friends. I wanted more. For the first time in my life, I thought I was truly in love. But she was already in a relationship, one she'd been in for over two years. It didn't seem to be particularly enjoyable relationship, but she'd had alot of problems with her family that left her feeling wounded, and I think she was afraid to let her one safe love go. That's what I think at least, but I acknowledge that my position could be tainting my perspective. We had been friends for about a year when they broke up. She was really upset. She's never told me exactly what was wrong, but apparently, at that time, alot of other shit had her down too. I wanted to try and cheer her up. But I was a clueless fool with too much money, and I tried to buy happiness for her, nearly showering her with gifts. I know that sounds pathetic, but I've always been kind of a loner, so I am akward in such things. I wasn't trying to push my love on her then. Sure, I loved her, but what I most wanted was for her to be happy, and I knew that another lover was not what she needed. She needed a friend, and I was ready to remain as one rather than put my own selfish desire first. Its not like I wanted her to know. But she figured out that I liked her as more than a friend, and that really seemed to be a blow to her. She told me she never wanted to talk to me again. I told her I was sorry, that I had no intention of presing my desires on her. But she would have none of it, and she dissapeared from my life. I'd never felt so alone. I still thought about her every day. For two years, I went on, feeling worse and worse. She would not leave my thoughts, both in waking and in dreams. Then, about a year ago, I emailed her. I told her I was sorry. I told her we had shared so much, it would be an utter shame if we didn't give our friendship a second chance. So, she started talking to me again over email. A few months later, she let me meet her and some friends for lunch. We did that a few times, then she stopped seeing me again, said she became very busy with work, though we kept in touch via email. I found out later that she stopped seeing me around the same time she broke up with her latest boyfriend. I don't know if it was a coincidence (she really was very busy) or if she was trying to avoid a repeat of old mistakes (or both). Anyways, she got together with someone new, and still she kept me at email's length. So, I called her, and had a talk with her about things. I wanted to see if she was avoiding me because of the distant past. She said she had left years ago because there was just too many things going wrong her life, and she needed to get away from them all, and I was one of those things. She told me that she wasn't avoiding me now, she really was very busy. I asked her what she thought I thought of her. She told me she thought I was a friend who 'liked' her once, but was over it now. I let it go at that. We began to see much more of each other after that. We've become much closer. I don't feel like she's keeping me at bay any more. But while things may seem fine on the surface, in private, I am doing things that concern me. I can't stop thinking about her. I try not to, but I'd guess I think about her every five minutes. I have to check my email constantly, to see if there's any new messages from her. If I have to go too long without email access, I actually feel panicked. I find myself spending my free time looking at pictures of her, rereading her live journal, drawing pictures of her, writing confessions about it all on a confessions website. Any girl I date, I find myself comparing to her. From a logical view, it seems very wrong. I know I am OBSESSING. I am ashamed, but I don't know how to stop thinking of her. God, I pray she doesn't find out how bad it is. But what can I do? Distance has not worked, and even if it did, I could not imagine the pain of breaking this friendship again. All I can think about is how much I want to be with her. I tell myself over, and over, and over that she simply does not feel that way about me, that I should be content with such her as such a wonderful friend. But, it hurts. It hurts so much.