I've always been fat. No, not chubby, not carrying baby weight-- just fat! My mother on the other hand has always been the beautiful, young, fit, exotic mother of mine. When she would introduce me to her co-workers or friends when I was a kid, I could feel them looking at me like "oh, damn. THAT's her daughter?!" She would always try and help me lose weight, but some of her ways ended up hurting me more that they helped. After my parents got divorced when I was about 8, she would often pick me up from school and take me to her house. The moment we would walk in the door, she would tell me to take off all of my clothes and stand on a scale. Even at such a young age, I was mortified. However, I would never cry... not in front of her at least. This was because I would rather cry silently in my room than explain how I felt to my mother. Then when I was about 11 or so, she took me to some hole-in-the-wall swap meet and got me acupuncture to help me lose weight. However, this wasn't the "normal" kind of acupuncture; the needles were a bit smaller, and I had to leave them on for a month. I don't think I've ever felt pain like that in my life. And I don't even know if it was all physical pain because I feel like some of it came from the embarrassment I felt. You see, the acupuncture place wasn't really a private office or anything. It was just a fold-out chair in the way of an open swap meet. Hundreds of people were walking by, watching my cry and scream like a baby. They had the look on their faces similar to those people stuck on planes with a crying baby. The face saying "That piece of shit kid needs to stop being such a brat and stop crying!" And yes, I kept those needles in for a month. There were needles on my ankles, the back of my neck, on my clavicle, and many more places. No matter how much they hurt, I kept them in. I did so because I 1) was afraid of my mom, and 2) I wanted them to work. They didn't. To this day, I'm just as fat. I'm actually categorized under "obese" even though, when I tell people that, they look surprised. I actually look fat, but not OBESE. But whatever, the scale doesn't lie, especially when different scales tell you the same thing. Now, I'm 18, and for the past couple of years, when I was in high school, my mother has kept pulling me aside and asking: -"Do you have a boyfriend yet?" -"Why don't you ever dress pretty?" -"How come you always wear black, baggy clothes?" -"Why don't you do your hair pretty, or wear lipstick, or heels, or dresses?" Even when I tell her "because I won't look nice" to try and drop a hint, she still doesn't get it. She now tries to tell me : "You're beautiful" and "Have you seen all those ugly girls with boyfriends?" (probably just a really backhanded compliment or something). I just want to yell at her and tell her: "YOU DID THIS" "YOU WONDER WHY I'M SO INSECURE?!? MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU MADE ME INSECURE!" But, I know that I'll never do that. I feel so much built up anger and pain, but telling her all of that would just replace the anger and pain with guilt. And I'm even crying right now, just writing this, because she's in the other room, sleeping, and she's been doing this whole "nurturing mother" thing, and is still oblivious to the pain she's caused me. If you're a parent, just try to consider the effects you will have on your child in the long run. Even if you don't remember something you've said or done, your kids will. Trust me. Those kinds of things echo in our heads as we age, and changes us in ways that you may not have intended. -Sarah.