I have a confession, and it is very hard to tell. Just as one could only expect. Throughout my life I've had boyfriends but rid myself of them quickly because I feared getting hurt. I had crushes in school and didn't act on them because I didn't want to be rejected. One crush, one love snuck up on me though. One fling I never thought would ever happen, especially to me.My brothers friend Josh Tilley. I went to school with him. He was two years my senior. I played ball with him and partied with him, but nothing ever really happened between us. At least not until the summer of '05. Somehow over the 5 or so years I knew him, he found out I had a crush one day (From my mother!) And began teaasing me about it, nothing too extreme but enough to make me feel special. Anyways we had our thing here and there but nothing really major ever really happened with us. Then came summer when we spent most of our time together. You know playing ball and drinking at tourneys (CAMPING OVERNIGHT) So at our first tourney in June of '05 he came into my tent and we had fun, and every other tourney that summer we had fun as well. Then when the summer was over we both hooked up with other people and everything was fine. But then the worst happened. On a late October night I got a phone call from another of my brothers friends. He was crying as he spoke to me saying 'JOSH IS DEAD. HE DIED IN A CAR CRASH ON HIS WAY UP TO PEACE RIVER!' I fell apart. The only people home were my younger brother and step-brother. My older brother, the one friends with him was gone sleeping over at a friends house for the night. My parents were at my grandparents farm helping out. The only thing I could say for the longest time was 'Josh is dead, Josh is dead.' I eventually told my younger brother and step-brother. They seemed to be unafflicted by this disturbing news. I called my cousin, who's like a sister to me, and she actually thought I was playing a joke on her. She couldn't even cry she was so shocked. I called my Aunt and my mom and they all came home to help look for my older brother. We didn't know where he lived so we had to call him and search forever. When we found him and told him it was even more heartbreaking. I cried through the whole night and couldn't stop. I took a week off of work to grieve for him and when the funeral came it was all too soon. It was open coffin and when I approched him it was unbearable. But I got though it because my cousin was there. It's almost a year later now and I still have trouble with trying not to cry myself to sleep. Well you know it all. Have fun.