when i was 4 years old somehow i ended up alone one night with my moms ex boyfriend in the house with me. i dont remember him telling me to take my clothes off, i dont remember him taking his clothes off either. he must have been either in his 20s or 30s. he seemed nice but not very talkative, kind of distant most of the time i think. my memory starts off with him telling me to lay on my back on the floor of the bedroom, so i do and i prop myself up with my elbows. im naked, and he has me spread my legs and im nervous and dont really know whats going on. he spreads it and looks at it for a second, and then i ask him what hes doing. he says "you'll see." he starts sucking on my clit and it feels so good, so right. he looks up at me while he does this. as hes sucking on it i can feel his tongue slowly stroking my tiny clit, his soft lips around it. i start to moan a little. in my mind i think to myself that it feels so amazing, i didnt want him to ever stop, it was weird but i loved it, it felt like this was what that spot on my crotch was meant for. most of the time adults just ignored me or treated me like i was in the way, but this guy was trying to make me feel good, nobody ever did that. it was embarassing being so completely exposed, him looking up at me while i knew my face was showing i enjoyed it, he was watching me moan with my tiny voice and i knew what was happening was wrong but i liked it so much. just when i was getting into it he stopped and showed me his penis. it was huge, probably 9 inches and thick. the first one id ever seen and i didnt know what to think of it. it looked strange, smooth and long and with a small hole on the top. he said he wanted me to suck on it, i said i didnt want to. he said "if you do, then i'll get you the movie Bambi!" "but mommy said you stole our Bambi movie.." then he just stared at me with a look i didnt recognize, looking back i realize he was contemplating whether to force me or make a better offer. but before he decided i bent down and put it in my mouth. my mouth was so small only the top of the head fit. it didnt taste like anything, i sucked on it for a long time, licking the hole with my tongue because it felt kind of neat. i dont remember when it was over, just that i didnt like doing it very much and i wanted it to be over soon. it felt degrading, like he was using me somehow, like an object or a possession. i remember after that he made me sit quietly at the table and wait as he cooked dinner. i dont remember whether he talked to me or not, but i felt very uncomfortable, like i should be in trouble or something. i knew that what had happened was something i should tell on him for, but i knew better than to let him know, im sure that he told me not to tell anyone. for dinner, he had made sauteed mushrooms, the way they felt in my mouth felt just like his penis, and they were the same color and were round, they tasted the same too, so at the time i thought that he had cut it up (his penis) and was feeding it to me, which i thought was disgusting, but i was obedient and did as i was told. later on i told my mom and the group of friends she was with about it but i guess i must have still sounded too much like a baby and nobody understood me, i told them about what he had made me do and they all just laughed like i had said something funny. i even remember one time getting mad and saying something and getting upset and my mom must have heard his name and said "well hes not around anymore so why are you upset?" nowadays she doesnt remember me ever telling her anything about it and says she would have killed him if shed known. nobody knows this, but i fantasize about it, when i touch myself, when my boyfriend licks my pussy, in fact all the time i fantasize about it and wish i could go back and experience it again. after it happened, i was desperate to feel that feeling again, so i tried to do stuff with other kids my age. very soon after the incident i was hanging out with the neighbor boy who was also 4 or 5. i showed him that i could suck on his and how good it felt and asked him to do it to me if i did it to him. he agreed but after i did it to him he didnt want to do it for me. every time we hung out alone i kept trying to get him to do it but he never did. one night we both got naked and under the covers and he was finally gonna do it, but just before he did my mom and his dad walked in and found us naked and got mad. i never saw him again. his dad looked at me funny after that, like i had done something bad to his son. i didnt know any better, i just wanted to feel good again. a year later we were living in a different apartment complex and i had 2 friends, a blonde girl and a black boy. i loved the black boy, his name was simon and he was really nice to me and we had lots of fun playing and talking. we would play this game i liked alot where we would go into a closet, turn the light off and kiss with our tongues. then one night the girls dad was threatening to kill himself with a gun and so her mom and her stayed with us for a night. i told the girl how i had been molested and how he had licked me down there and how good it felt. i asked her if i showed her and did it for her if she would do it for me too and she said well do it for me and i might, so i did and i didnt like to but i wanted so bad to feel it again so i did it for as long as i could so she would do it too, after a while i stopped and asked her if she would do it and she said "maybe if you keep going" so i did and then i got tired and asked her if she could do it now. she said "i dont really want to" and i said oh okay and we went to sleep. i was really disappointed and didnt know what to do. i wanted it so bad. one night in a different house i thought everyone was outside, and so i made my moms boyfriends cat lick me, then i heard a "what are you doing??" behind me and it was him. he made me tell my mom about what i had done and it was the most embarrassing thing i ever had to do, i thought she wasnt going to love me anymore and i cried. he was mean to me and i think my mom just didnt know what to think about what i had done, but i know she didnt judge me. soon my mom and me became homeless so i had to go live with my grandparents. their dogs were always having puppies, and the puppies would suck on our fingers thinking it was their moms teat and so (i was 6) one day i got the puppy to think my clit was its moms teat and after i did it i felt really bad for what i had done. after that i would just touch myself every night, trying to feel good like i did that one night with that man. me and my cousin hung out alot and i dont know which of us started it but me and him started touching eachother when no one else was around. he would bring his friend over and i would suck on their penises, i was 6 and they were 7 or 8. he would touch my vagina but he never licked it like i kept hoping he would. there was also this girl at the bowling alley, we would hang out under the airhockey table or behind the arcade machines and talk about how much we wanted boys to touch us, we would play with our barbies and make them have sex. she was being touched all the time by her dad and she loved it, i was so jealous because i wanted to be touched too. she would wear pretty clothes and talk cute to her dad and they were really affectionate with eachother. me and her got along really well, she was my best friend, we never touched eachother. eventually i had to move away. when i was 8 we had a dog and i would let him lick me and it felt okay but i would get desperate and try to get him to hump me like i saw the dogs at my grandma and grandpas do to eachother. i couldnt get him to do it the way i wanted, he would start humping too fast and i couldnt position myself right. i decided not to do that anymore becasue it felt wrong. later on when i was visiting my cousin and was spending a couple nights there. i was 11 at the time and he was 12 or 13. each night he tried to touch me, and hump me and i wanted so bad to let him but i was in love with a boy and wanted to save myself. my cousin kept trying to get me to let him, to do it with him, and i really wanted to but i didnt want to lose my virginity to my cousin. he got angry and made me sleep on the couch instead of in his room. there were drunk redneck men in the living room and i was scared. i tried to go back to his room but his drunk mom yelled at me to leave him alone because he was going to sleep. that boy i was in love with, i had my first real kiss with him when i was 12. he fingered me and i gave him a handjob. after that i was desperate to have sex, so i ended up becoming a huge slut, having sex every single day with whatever guy would do it with me, by the time i was 15 i had been with almost 30 men. it never stopped, it just always got worse, if i went without it i would be unable to walk until i touched myself and came at least 3 times or until i wasnt horny anymore. finally i met a guy i wanted to be with forever and my sex drive was so bad even he didnt want to have sex as much as i did. its awful, i go crazy. but i really fantasize about the night i was molested, i imagine im back there, moaning as he licks me and looks into my eyes, i imagine he kisses me, i imagine that i tell him not to stop, or that i beg him to stop and he goes harder, that he shoves his dick into my mouth even though my mouth is small, i imagine he rips my pussy open and tries to push his huge cock into my tiny pussy, i imagine him licking my small body all over, having me and dominating me completely, cumming inside me and filling me up. i imagine it hurting and i like it, i imagine he does it gentle at first, sticking his finger in and slowly working his way up to his penis, then shoving it inside me as far as it will go, ramming me and making me bleed, i imagine him pumping me until it starts to feel good, then giving me a break and washing me and licking me again, and then i imagine he pumps his huge cock into me again, but slowly, really slowly, i imagine him letting it sit inside me as he spins me around on it, making me feel every inch inside me that fits. i imagine him tongue fucking me, i imagine him telling me things like "moan like a big girl for me" "am i too big? yeah? good." "you like it when i lick you?" i imagine he asks me a question and when i try to answer he makes me moan all loud so that i cant answer so then he asks me again and does it again, i imagine him doing all sorts of dirty things to me, like tying me up, and fucking my face, sticking things up my pussy, teasing me and then raping me hard...i have to imagine that im little again, that i dont know whats going on, that i have a tiny innocent voice and that he is turned on by forcing me and making me feel things ive never felt...i know there is something wrong with me, but i cant stop having these fantasies, i want so bad to be molested again, blindfolded and gagged and tied up and touched like ive never been touched before.. im 20 now and im worried about myself. i get so horny my pussy hurts, i just want to be tied up and touched and licked and fucked hard, and then i want them to tell me not to tell my parents.