in the last few months ive been put into alot of mental distress. ive gone between being really depressed to being distant, to being really angry, to really happy in an insane way, to slightly sadistic. ive always been a somewhat intelligent person, not meaning to inflate my ego right now, god knows i could use that though. ive been going from feeling worthless, to feeling like everyone around me is worthless. i tell myself im awesome and im smart and whatnot all the time, but i realize now the only reason i do this is to convince myself that i am worth something. i wasnt worried much though until recently, when i fell down onto some sharp branches and scratched and cut myself up, and found that it felt good. ever since then ive got this insane urge to cut myself. im not stupid enough to actually do it, but the want is incredibly difficult to avoid. i feel like im losing my sanity, while at the same time i feel like im getting closer to it. i dont know whats going on, i have a good life, a loving family, i think it may be that i have no true friends, all of my friends have hurt me emotionally in some way, betrayed me somehow. i cant truly relate to anyone i know. but even if i could, how do you tell someone this? it hurts so much, ive had serious health problems in the past (brain abscess) and i dont know if it could have anything to do with it. i doubt it though. ive been bullied for the vast majority of my life and used, i feel like that is a reason why. then the worse thing happened, somehow someone managed to figure out im an atheist, wich if you live in the deep south like me, is not a good thing. im not very open about it, and i never even told anyone except for my sister, but shes 500 miles away from me. ive given up explaining it away, and now ive run out of things to type, so to whoever reads this, i thank you very much for showing any interest at all. im not asking for help, im helping myself just by typing this, im not going to act on any of this, i never will, but, thank you very much. i realize that this long rant is probably out of order, and mixed up, but im just typing what comes to mind, straight from the heart. im done typing now.