Many years ago, that's how all this shit starts right? Anyway, like 10 years ago, I was 16, she was like 15. Absolutely beautiful, and lots of personality qualities I really like and admire. We dated, then broke off as good friends never got intimate just puppy love sort of thing. One day, I can't recall how, she was suddenly gone. Vanished, I didn't see her again until I was 26. She came back to visit, and she looked just as great, and she was torn, hurt, and in her view damaged. I was angry with her for leaving, not saying a word and then when I had on very rare occasion saw her floating around a store in town she'd have nothing to do with me at all. When we were young we basically took the same exact path, drugs, violence...hers was sex, and drugs and the receiver of violence. My path was drugs, and the deliverer of violence, but not against women so chill out. She came home for a year, one day she was just at my friends house, and we fought like fuck. Then something happened no idea what, she was telling me how much money she had and this and that, and I was like fuck you and your money, we are all the same. Then I was walking out to my car she grabbed be and kissed the shit out of me. I pushed her off, and was like the fuck is wrong with you woman. She apologized for being so antagonistic, and all of the sudden we fell for each other like goddamn suicide jumpers. So, keep in mind this is the very end of her year visiting she lives extremely, extremely far away. Not like, antipode far, but I can't drive there. Got it? Movin' on. So I knew she would leave, I was hoping She would come back, she has a little girl, and is in a very complicated situation. It's been almost a year. I think of her every day. Every single day her name is in my head, I remember her perfume, her touch on my face. I remember when she drew hearts on the window of my car in the condensation on the inside of the glass....I never washed it, but it's gone which makes me sad. I still have pictures of her. I've dated a lot of women, I've been married, and divorced. I have a very difficult time loving, and being loved. I'm a totally clean, safe responsible member of society, I have a good job, and I do nothing illegal. So don't think I'm some piece of shit slinging dope, I grew out of that after a few bullet holes. She made me a cd, I listen to it regularly. I miss her. I loved her like I didn't know love could exist, or that I had the ability for. She made happy. I still talk to her, although it is sporadic, and honestly disappointing..but it's not always that way. I'm dating again, it's taken me nearly a year to allow myself to see another woman. I compared them to her, I finally did find a great girl that I'm with, and I do love..but I'm not in love. Now I'm afraid to hurt this girl I'm with, I don't know what to do. She's great, I just don't feel it. The girl I fell for so hard I hurt myself is not going to ever come back to me. She has her life, although she hates it, and she should escape the abuse, she endures. I know I'm flawed in my feelings... I'm a very logical, mind over heart, type of guy, I never understood how this kind of thing fucks people up so much. Now I absolutely understand, and I need the pain to stop. Although I'm thankful for what she gave me, as far as confidence and such. She pulled me through a very difficult time in my existence. I miss playing my guitar and singing into my phone and sending it to her...She gave me a capo once...It's shitty but I love it. I'm...incomplete.