Less than a year after I graduated from High School I was shot and was paralyzed as a result. For a couple of years afterward I would still talk to women with the intention of eventually dating but it never happened because I was too afraid to let a woman that I was intimate with see me in my most embarrassing moments (like accidentally pissing or shitting myself because I'm paralyzed or falling out of my wheelchair, ect.). Years went by and now its been 10 years since I've even kissed a woman. I'm still attracted to women and watch porn occasionally but the thought of being in a sexual relationship or even being intimate with a woman in real life just leaves me feeling empty inside. I don't even get horny anymore. A few years ago I met a woman that I fell in love with almost immediately. From the beginning she could see right through all my bullshit and no one could make me smile like she could. I was content with just being her friend since we enjoyed each other's company and always had fun together but when she said that she would date me if I asked her during a casual conversation I was terrified. She was engaged at the time so I don't know if this was just her getting nervous about getting married soon or not. After the wedding ceremony which I attended I slowly started distancing myself from her because any time I would see her I would get an intense butterflies in my stomach feeling. After I hadn't seen or spoken to her in months she sent me a message on facebook saying that "I miss you." Nothing else. Just that she misses me. I immediately blocked her on my facebook account hoping that it would just look like I deleted my account and got a new cellphone. I've also moved since then so she doesn't know where I live. We didn't have any mutual friends so I don't have to worry about her finding me through anyone that knows how to contact me. This was about a year ago. I look her up from time to time. She seems happy and I'm glad for that. What worries me is that at first it was really hard. I would think about her a lot. Sometimes I would even fantasize about what it would be like if she got a divorce and we got married and had a life together. I think I would be really happy if that happened. But as time went by I would think about her less and less. Now thinking about her just leaves me with that familiar emptiness feeling. I can't remember the last time I met a woman that made me think "I want to have sex with her." Not even the woman I fell in love with. I was just in love with. There was no desire for sex. The thought of it scared the shit out of me. I've been alone for a long time now and I've accepted that the rest of my life is going to be this way. Damn. After reading everything I've just written I sound like such a coward. I hope there isn't an afterlife because if there is I'm sure I'd still be too much of a coward to find someone.