i am so depressed. where do i even start? well.. first of all i feel like i'm two different people. i am different around my mother and brother. i have a different voice and everything, it sucks and i hate it. i don't know why i do it but i CAN'T control it. i used to be that way around my father too until he died of a heart attack. sometimes i think he deserved to die because he used to hit me and my brother kind of a lot. i know that there are people who have been abused MUCH worse than i was but still.. i just find it so wrong to purposely cause a person physical pain. especially a child. especially your own. why would he do that? i had a good job but i quit. now i have tons of bills and absolutely no money. i applied for a few jobs and i really hope i get one soon. i had a boyfriend for over 2 years but i recently broke up with him. the only reason i really started talking to him in the first place was to get closer to one of his friends, who i knew for 2 years before i met my ex. i really really like this other guy a lot and have since the DAY i met him. it's been four years. now he has a girlfriend. that's why i broke up with my ex.. i couldn't stand knowing that the other guy has a girlfriend who isn't me. i thought maybe if i was single he would change his mind, but.. yeah right. i tried saying hello to him today but he completely IGNORED me. he used to like me and i could have had a relationship with him... this is much more complicated than i'm writing down so i guess i'll just shut up about it. i want to be a model. i want to be famous, and seen. i want people to see that i'm a great person. so many people in my life have treated me like i'm worthless but i know that i could really be something incredible. if i get a job soon i'm gonna save up a lot of money and get myself into modeling because i really believe that i could go far. or maybe i should just kill myself. i don't know. i HATE living in this house with my mother. i hate every aspect of it. i'm a cutter. i've been cutting myself since i was 14. i've been generally depressed for about 6 years now. sunday is my birthday. i'll be 20 and i'm not excited. life is really really hard and sad. does anyone ever really care?