Please I wish to get this off my chest and maybe clear my head with some opinions from others that can give them. I warn everyone that I may explain alot of background details before getting to the point since I feel that helps people understand how I feel, but I hope you don't mind if it's lengthy. I came to high school never having 'loved' anyone before persay. During grade nine I befriended a guy whom I had seen around middle school alot. The two of us brought our friends together into a large family group within the walls of the school, and soon on in april, the two of us becam very close friends and shared our opinions and pains. He asked me on a date and a few days after we went out. I had never felt like this for anyone, our relationship was green and golden for nearly a year, it was two weeks to our one year anniversary and he confronts me thinking he's gay. I was devestated. a week later after he's had some time to think he asks for me to take him back, I had grown to Love him with all my heart and I did indeed take him back. Another three weeks passed and suddenly i knew he still wanted to experiment with his bisexuality, so I did the hardest thing I could, I offered him to break up if he wanted to, and he never knew why I did until recently. another week passes after that break up and I confess to him how much I care for him and asked him if my fighting for him meant anything, he said it meant alot, and we got back together. for about another week we're together and then he decides to break up again, the end of grade ten was near and i could barely concentrate on exams, feeling the pain in my chest I did whenever I remembered what I no longer had. I tried to bury this pain and asked out a good friend of mine, we spend the summer together, but I couldn't forget about 'him' and since we always stayed friends, I kept seeing him over the summer often, I felt i was dying when i couldn't see him, yet when I was with him, it seemed just as painful. when grade eleven started for all of us, I broke up with my friend, because i knew that right now atleast none of it would feel right, we stayed good friends since which i was happy for. Me and my ex had become very good friends again since school started back up, and he was there with me when i arrived back from my break up, there to try and cheer me up. I could sense a both happy and frightening familiarity in how he was treating me and after a few more weeks of close friendship it happened, he confessed that he liked me again. I asked him if he was sure this time, i told him I was terrified for the same thing to happen with us again(break up I mean) he said he was sure- he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I wanted to desperatly beleive him and he convinced me. We kept the relationship secret for about a week before our friends found out, whom all were a bit annoyed that he had asked me out again since they expected he would hurt me again. They were ten times as angry with him when a month later at the start of november this year(me now 16 and he now 17*nine months my senior*) we broke up again because he was having second thoughts, he hated himself saying he cared for me but he could never make up his mind, and he told me to find someone better. Like every other time we broke up, I cried for a long time, I couldn't even face goijng to school monday and faked being sick to stay home. I slept till the sun was setting,waking up to my friends calling at lunch or in the morning, having heard what had happened and asking if I was alright.) I'm back to being friends with him like before. He has a new boyfriend whom we all like, but it eats away at me so much seeing 'him' with another person, acting how he used to with me, I often can't help but watch them, and if he looks towards me I look away, I don't want him to know I still Love him in a way, though in another way I had once told him during one of our break ups I would always Love him. It's hard to explain, I literally feel a sort of suffocation and a tensed pressure on my heart when I think of 'him' and how he's no longer mine. recently I gave a shot at going out with another friend of mine, but I want to break up, it just doesn't feel right, and I also hate that in some ways I feel like I'm only doing it to try and make him jelous(he had last time I dated my other friend; he told me later on while we were dating) but I don't think it's doing a thing. Alright, nearly done(told you it might be long, gomen-nasai) At one point, he had confessed to my friend he wanted to propose to me at graduation in grade twelve, that was back the first time we went out. I know he used to really Love me, and i let myself fall in Love with him, now i don't know what to do, I don't want to feel this pain I do for him, but this pain is connected to my deep feelings for him, which means I would need to throw away my feelings, and even if I wanted to do that, feelings can'tbe told what to do. I've tried to forget and failed, what should I do? That's my question. I want to know if anyone else has ever loved and lost like I have and found Love again just as strong or stronger...I also want to know if it's possible that things may still turn around for the two of us. My mother just says that he's not emotionally mature enough yet to understand and feel what I do(the whole'males mature slower than females' thing)I would like any reasurrance of something better in the future, I know this may sound stupid, i know, but I just need reasurrance from others of this experience, older people, I'm 16 and I know I will probably hear 'Your still young, you'll find another' but I'll say right now that that doesn't seem to help me hearing that. Please help me know what might be right for me, he is a very kind, a bit egotistical at times, sensitive, smart person whome I sometimes wonder why I Love so much, sometimes I think we have little in common and other times I think it's only the skin deep diffrences I'm seeing, can relationships with alot of difrences still work out in the end? Heh, I know, I'm rambling, I'll stop now, but please, I am desperatly seeking advice, anyone who's felt the same heart break would understand how confused and lost I feel right now, thankyou for any advice I receive, I shall releive you of my disgustingly long post/confession now, for those that have just read it all, I thank you very much and am sorry for it's massive-ness^-^ peace out.