You heard right, I'm in love with my cousin (we'll call him K)... I've been in love with him since I was 13. It might sound taboo, but I do truly have feelings for him. I'm 16, he's 19. The bad part is I'm just scared to tell him. I've always been scared, that he'll reject me since he could be thinking of everything society says (society is ridiculous anyway 9/10s of the time) and society says family love is wrong. My family are a bunch of hyprocritical fakes anyway--it's a long story. Anyway... Everyone I've told has always judged me when I tell them all this. And I'm just sick of being judged all the time. I just wish he would wanna come over more and we could hang out together and he would wanna spend the night and all. And I'm secretly jealous of my cousin C. C and K have been very close friends (all 3 of us are cousins though) since C was 6 years old... He's a year younger than me, C is. Also I've always been sexually attracted to K. He's always got girlfriends over his house though; throws parties and talks about fucking a girl all the time... I was even so brave once as to ask him if he has ever been open to experimenting with guys. He told me "I thought about it but I was never open to it". The other problem is I'm in love with my cousin T's best friend J. T is C's twin brother (except T is very violent and loud... C is sometimes ignorant and loud and judges me a lot... But at the end of the day we're family). J is 2 years younger than me. When I met him, he told me he was 13. At the time he was 6'1.. And I was in love with him. I always have been. But because of this hypermasculine town I live in where letting your guard down around other men is frowned upon--in public--me and J have never really connected emotionally. I have healed from a lot of things people have done and said to me. The first being my family, then came my father, then myself--what I'd say to myself and all, but this is one thing I'm halfway done healing... And I've always wanted to have a guy friend I can connect with emotionally, and where he feels he can let his guard down and open up to me. I've looked for that in my friends J, Andrew (who I've had conversations about this with... If you want I'll tell you the whole story).. etc. The weird part of it is--and I've always been afraid to tell this to people--but the guy friends I make are, essentially, because I'm attracted to them. Funny thing too, is when I meet a guy I wanna be friends with, I also start realizing how sexy they are and get sexual thoughts in my head about them. I repress them in public, and when I get to my room, I masturbate and fantasize about them all I want... But I've also wanted a guy who is sexy who would wanna be friends with me but also wants to talk about his problems with me and share secrets and all.... But then if he identifies as straight that he comes out to me and tells me he likes me... It may sound ignorant or weird, but I've kinda always wished it would happen... With guys my age... But my thing is, I'm an extremely sensitive person in touch with my feelings and not afraid to say it, yet guys distance themselves from me. Oh, I wanted to apply what I said earlier to J--but him and T smoke weed together; that's what establishes their friendship. And because I don't smoke, J doesn't come around anymore. I've always wanted to be friends with J. Really close friends. However, he always lets T control him; so now he only comes over my house and spends time with me IF T comes over. But I've always wanted him to come over by himself. So we could get to know each other. But unless he stops smoking, it won't happen. I've known him 2 years now: the last time he came over was my 15th birthday (where I also got outed as bisexual by T in front of J... But J accepts me.). T and J had an argument at 2 in the morning (their ADHD running wild) and it woke my mom up, and she drove them home, even though she was annoyed she was woken up (she had to wake up at 3 AM anyway to get ready for work). That night, I think I wrote a song about how much I wish J and I could connect emotionally and all. I'll post the lyrics. I write songs... I'm not a singer. Whenever I tell people I'm a songwriter they say "Sing something for me" which annoys the hell out of me.. Anyway, girls have always felt comfortable letting their guard down around me. Guys--I've never had a close guy friend. I was over C & T's house last week. I ran into J, K and T (and T's friend John) and they were all sitting in Kevin's car talking. I scanned K's car as T and I were talking; J suddenly stopped my CSI type forensic skills and told me "Hey Donald, it's been a long time." But I only said "Yeah"--what I REALLY was thinking was "What the hell are you doing, don't you like me enough to step away from these asses?!?" Lol... Whenever I see K and J, I always remember the feelings I had for them and the feelings come back like it was yesterday. I'll always love K and J... As more than friends.... My mom however, frowns upon it like the rest of society here. I came out to her the other day as a fan of incest and she told me "It's wrong, Donald." Before that I told her "I believe in incest." Sorry if this is so long, but I've never told people this, except here. And I guess you could say I have a desire for male attachment... Which I don't frown upon, except the males who come across me do... I came here because I've no one to talk to about this in my family. My friends would think I'm a creep.