I'm not sure why I woke up. A 5th of JD and a 12 pack, plus klonipin on a 100lb frame should have done me it, but it didn't, and yes, I feel like shit. Rain - you make a good point, but I really don't have the money to fight my ex in court. I've called Child Protective Agency on him, and he refused a drug test, so they couldn't do anything. I don't use illegal drugs, and I don't drink around my son. He has a nice place to live with me in a good neighborhood. And yes, I DO feel like a wanker. I confessed on here because nobody could do anything about it. I didn't call friends or family because they would have tried to stop me, and I didn't want to be stopped. Make Good - I am not normally suicidal. In fact, I have a good sense of humor, and it shows on many of my posts here. I was devastated after this past Sunday evening with what my ex did and said in front of my son. My son wanted to come home with me, but I didn't want to wait. I am afraid of what his father would do to me and what how he'd punish my son (generally, mental/psychological torture), so I left and felt like a heel afterward. Peter - thank you for your kind words. Liz - yes, I was fucked up last night, a combination of alcohol and a feeling of hopelessness did the trick. I was told it would be in my best interest to stay away from my ex, and I know that, but that also means, not seeing my son until he moves back in with me. I don't know how long it will take before my son gets tired of his dad's sickness, and doesn't feel responsible to 'help' him anymore. He moved in after my ex lost his Mother, and now my ex's Father had throat cancer and is not doing well, so, anyway, my son has a big heart and is playing the role of caretaker to his own Father. Observer - yes, I was fucked up last night. I started my day productively, ran some errands, had a good attitude (mainly, that I wasn't going to let that asshole ruin my day again), and then, I passed a liquor store and that was all she wrote. Bubbles - you are absolutely right. I was feeling very ashamed of myself for allowing my emotions to control me, rather than, being smart about it. My son thinks I'm wonder woman and invincible, but I'm not. I am only human. I wish I knew how to handle this situation better, I really do. Rocky - I am sorry honey. I shouldn't have posted that here in front of the people who care about me. Pathetic - I am generally very strong, but I broke down last night. It happens, and I was definitely being pathetic. At the time, I didn't care because I didn't think I'd still be here. Sam - I appreciate your concern as well. You're right, my son needs me. When he gets sick and tired of his dad, I can leave with him. Right now, he doesn't want to leave his father alone, and I don't want to leave my son with his father. Turbo & Sweetpea, I am ashamed you had to witness that from me. You are both wonderful people and I'm glad I've met you on here. I will try to stick around so I can meet you in person also. Sad part is, alcohol does not numb the pain, it actually intensifies it. Stanno - I didn't realize I helped you like that. That brings tears to my eyes. At least I did something right - eh? Brian - I don't know you, but it doesn't matter, does it? That's how I look at it when I try to help someone on here that's crying for it also. Thank you. Chieftain - you did listen to my posts a few clicks back, and I thank you for that. I hate wading through the crap on here also, so I understand. Toni - you are right, I was definitely serious. I just didn't care last night. When you feel like your world is over, sometimes, you just want to speed it up a bit, and that's what I tried to do. Maybe, it's knowing that all odds are against me. I don't know. I managed to overcome alot of obstacles in my life, but damn...it catches up with you and it hurts. Lori - I already beat myself up for going down to my exes to see my son. I knew I shouldn't have done that as soon as I left the driveway, but I didn't want to disappoint my son. His father used to do that all the time to him when he was younger with visitation. He'd call and say he was going to show up, but if he found out somehow that I had plans, he never showed, and my son would cry his eyes out. This happened more times than I can count. One year, his father didn't see him for 11 months and my son was getting in trouble at school, at home, everywhere, he was so upset. I took him to counselling, tried all kinds of meds, none of it worked. He just wanted his daddy to come see him and didn't understand why he wouldn't. Sam - also, I can give advice much better than I can use it on myself. I have more of a caretaker role built right into my physical makeup, must be the female thing. Anyway, besides me being a bloke and a wanker (as mentioned regarding me), I hope this helps somebody somehow. I see too many young girls posting on here in similar situations. A life time of hell awaits you if you don't get away from somebody similar to my ex. When I called the Women's abuse hotline (many moons ago), the lady read off a list of personality traits that describe an abusive person. If I'd had the list in front of me, I could have checked them all off with regards to my ex-husband. The drug use, etc. has been brought up in court, and he only got a slap on the wrist for it. My ex lies under oath and doesn't even flinch or blink, he's so used to it. I was protected for a long time with my ex-fiance', but when we split up, I had to get another restraining order. Years ago, they didn't put people like that in jail, now, they do. Right before my divorce was finalized, my ex had enough nerve to claim I beat him up (in an attempt to ruin a perfectly good record I had). The judge saw right through it. Besides, I'm 5'4' and barely weigh over 100 lbs - what a joke. He tried to contest the divorce, but was unable to, so he threatened me. I had to be escorted to my car by security for my own protection. The other night, I was doing his dishes, and he kept coming up and grabbing my ass, and all kinds of humiliating things in front of my son. Yes, I am an idiot for going down there. When my son is emotionally mature enough to thoroughly understand, he will come home and be safe with me again. In the meantime, I will try to hang in there. I have a few friends that have offered for me to come live with them in different states, but, I'm still stuck on taking my son with me. It would be very stressful for both my son and I if I were to do it forcefully, and I refuse to add fuel to the fire that way. I may move alone anyway. My son is old enough to take care of himself, but he's not mature enough, and he still needs direction from me to do the right thing.