I've been seriously considering suicide for the past year. I've been depressed most of my life, the only reason I haven't killed myself before now (or rather, tried) is that I usually laugh myself out of it. I have a strange sense of humor. In a weird kind of way, I find my depression funny. Whenever suicide entered my head, I'd laugh at myself for taking myself so seriously. But lately its gotten serious. I think about the 27 years I've lived, and I realize that I've been alone all of them. I've had some acquaintances... I married one of them. We live in the same house, share a bed... and yet I'm basically just following him around while he lives his life. I try to live on my own and I can be reasonably happy on my own... But I'm starting to suspect that I'm alone for a reason. That there must be something innately wrong with me that no one can stand to write me past 3 e-mails. That no one can instant message or call me more than once. I try to be pleasant and fun. I even tried being a bitch, because it seems like mean people always have friends. Life has many joys when you are alone. There are many things I know that I would never have learned if I spent my time partying or hanging out or whatever. But I'm ready to share those things... and I can't find anyone who wants to share them with me. I've only had one person, my whole life, who ever acted like they wanted to be around me. Even my husband acts like calling or talking to me is a chore that must be dealt with. I don't understand why. I'm well educated, I've been told I'm quite literate and interesting to talk to. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't know how to be around people, I guess. Maybe I just waited too long. I don't want to kill myself. I want to be happy and live life. But I've tried to 27 long years... and even the one person who's ever acted even vaguely interested in being around me doesn't want to be. There must be something wrong with me. I must be a burden to be around. That's the only explanation. You may say I'm trying too hard... but I've not tried for about 10 of those years. Convinced myself that I could be happy by myself. That I didn't need friends. That I didn't want to be around people. 'Friends are just a bother. They'll want to do things when I don't... Its better to be alone.' The only explanation is that I must be a burden as a human being, and the only solution is to remove myself from society. I've gone to counseling, I've gotten on medication. I can't even maintain an online friendship...just someone e-mailing every once in a while 'just to say hi'. My whole life has been people abandoning me the moment they realize that I am who I seem to be. And that's very painful. And I don't understand it. I keep thinking, 'there must be something I'm missing.' But I can't find it. My counselor doesn't understand why I don't have friends either (at least online) and that doesn't help. For a long time I had my severe anxiety as an excuse, but I've worked past that and I can only conclude.... its me. The bottles of asperin I bought are looking very tempting. But I don't want to. I just want a friend. Just one. Not just someone who feels sorry for me and doesn't want me to kill myself, but someone who likes me and wants to be around me. If I can't find one person like that, then why should I live?