I've been very depressed lately. The reasons may seem little or stupid but this is my story. My grandma died when I was 11; I loved her to death and she was my heart. I learned most of what I know from her and think a lot like she does. My dad died when I was 14; but that situation wasn't that good. We had a horrible relationship because he had Aspergers--I inherited it genetically from him and I'm like him in that respect. Because of that, I've always thought any guy I'll be with at some point, that I love will just up and leave because the people I loved in the past up and left when I was coming up as a child. Plus I have always been needy, but I hide it. I don't even know why now. It's just become a part of me... So I'm also in high school. I'm a junior, and pertaining to sexuality I don't label myself as anything. I loved girls, but was trapped and loved men as well, plus all the girls I liked got the preconceived notion in gay so I've actually never dated a girl but almost did. So in 2011 I came out as bi so as not to feel trapped anymore. People still pressured me to choose something. On my 16th birthday I discovered I was gay, and came out a 2nd time. It hasn't altered much. Now I don't label myself. In my school, there are only 4 completely out gay guys. Of those, I asked out 1, like another, and the other 2 were boyfriends but one of them now has another and I like him. So now I just feel trapped by straight guys, and have asked out some straights in my school--some of which made it known to their friends--so now I just feel alone I guess. Because of my school the guys I like, I never get. The object of love is to find someone similar to yourself that you love--and I wish there was someone like me here. The reality? There's nobody like me. I haven't found anyone attracted to me either. No guys. Girls think I'm gay. So why date anyone then I wonder? But then I lie to myself by telling myself I can be independent and don't need anyone else. That I can go on without someone; that I have friends to complete me. The reality is because of my Aspergers, I get alienated and only have some friends during school; none of which hang out with me outside school. It's sad though. I've also been seen I guess as desperate. I've posted some stuff about guys I lie in my school online, to which every single post got talked about and I heard the person talk about me. And I even liked the guy. I really take advice from the saying "If you can't beat 'em join 'em" so I did it. Also I don't drink, smoke or do drugs and don't plan on it. I thought about it 2 years ago when my mom was dating an abuser who could have taken my life on 6 separate occasions (4 of which she was there to see) and the depressive bad needy feelings I described were heightened back then. Combine all of the above with the fact that I'm trying to write a book--my maternal aunt gave me the idea at the time of my rough spot 2 years ago when my mom was dating the abuser. I've actually written in journals and things since 2008 but will combine it all to form my book. About me not smoking or any of that stuff, almost all the men in my family (exception: me) smoke and drink. I believe people who are strong and feel great don't need drugs or smoking. Most of my friends at school also smoke and get drunk heavily, and I'm the middle man these stories get told to. It's tiring and I'm done with it. I now believe since I can't find anyone here who doesn't do any of that stuff (out of the guys here) if I can't beat em, join em. Maybe... If I can't escape it then why don't I just conform... I've also wanted a close friend who's a guy. Most of my friends are girls and I've always bonded quicker with them than with guys my age and I hate it. I'm not 'one of the boys' and I guess that's why. I love to talk about feelings more, and times when we feel depressed or something... Like a psychologist really. And in that respect I haven't found any guys like me. All the guys at my school are more masculine and always talk about p***y and every straight guy who acts gay to one of their friends and the friend goes "You're so gay" I feel like its an insult to my face. I've always wanted a guy my type which makes up maybe half the school. I'd love an athlete, a jock. One who can be super masculine around his friends and then come home to me and be as feminine as ever without fear of persecution. But I don't think I'll find one like that because the guys who are my type are the ones who act gay to their friends, and when girls confront them on it they flat out deny it. I feel like the ones who do gay stuff to their friends then say they're straight aren't really straight at all, and should come out. I've had a few chances of offers to date guys in my school. One of which was basically from a guy I liked and still do but am embarrassed to say it to his face.. I've also actually posted the story with said guy on here before. Also because there really aren't any gays I've always wanted a maybe straight or bicurious guy to experiment with. The problem is that most guys at my school wouldn't really wanna talk to me behind closed doors about it but that's what I want. I don't ever reveal secrets and am not a gossip... Yet when I like a guy and tell even just one person, everyone knows. So now I tell no one who I like and keep my mouth shut. 2 things: 1) Is there a light at the end of these tunnels? An answer to all this? 2) How to find a guy whos curious if all guys at my school aren't willing to let their guard down?