I know how horrible of a wife I will sound like. I didn't intend this to happen, or for it to even go on this many years. When my husband deployed.. I was in a new town, no family no friends... I went from a town of 2,000 to a city of 250,000. I found a website that you only get membership too if you're voted in.. by your looks. I figured ok what the hell let's just see. I met him there. We bonded on the fact we were both going through something in our lives. His wife of 5 years and he were getting a divorce and ironically enough she FINALLY had ended up pregnant. He would vent to me about how he felt, and I would vent about how my husbands deployment was affecting me. Serious feelings developed and we stopped talking because of it. Months later he reached out to check up on me and I swear it was like we never stopped talking. All of the emotions came rushing back to me. At the end of the conversation he said he had to go because his date was going to be there soon and he needed to shower. I burst out in a fit of jealousy (I was 21 at the time). Needless to say I wished something on him before we quit talking. A couple of years passed, he reached out again to tell me the wish I said had actually come true. We got a small laugh out of it, began talking again and once more the feelings just came flooding back. This time my husband found out I was talking to someone and didn't like it. Once more we backed off. My husband's personality started to deteriorate. We know now it is because of his PTSD. In the process of my marriage going downhill I reached out to the guy to vent, to have some comfort since I never gained a trust worthy friend as a military spouse (most of the wives are just awful whiny self entitled bitches). We spoke in secret, feelings continued to develop and pictures were shared. My husband went through all of my stuff and found out. Fast forward he and I had stopped talking and my husband finished his degree, and was separated from the military. He was determined to get a job in his degree field so we moved 1600 miles away (ironically to a city that the guy's job sends him to). I tried to convince him to stay in VA... he refused. The stress of being unemployed(hubs unemployment) and being off of his PTSD medicine took a huge toll on our marriage (also by this point we had a 1 year old daughter). Everyday he was calling me a bitch and a cunt and telling me he wanted a divorce.. over things like him misplacing a drill bit. I contacted him again.. and through his encouragement (sounds strange) I took advantage of a situation with a coworker..and cheated on my husband. He found out and assaulted me, in front of our daughter. I would have left but the next day he got back on his PTSD meds. He also found out I was talking to that guy again so I told him i gave up.. that I couldn't talk to him anymore. I changed jobs.. later on changed my phone number. Things were still shit, everything of mine was being constantly looked at.. my husband still has his anger issues but has never laid a hand on me since. months passed and I reached out to him again just to give him my new number incase something happened to him. If he was ever injured and in the hospital or died.. I want to know. He confessed how much he missed me and how happy he was to hear from me and that he loved me (something I had wondered for 5 YEARS but never asked). Since then we're been rocky. I found out that "his girl" from a few years ago is actually his wife and during the time when he thought he wold never speak to me.. he slept with a coworker of his own. They're best friends... The problem is I don't know why I keep going back to him. We're both married and he's never expressed how much I mean to him. He's said I love you but I need more out of him. I need to know exactly what I am to him.. if talking to him is worth the risks I'm taking. I finally told him today that unless he can tell me what I am to him, then he needs to tell me goodbye because I'm investing a lot into this emotionally and it's driving me nutty. I don't think he'd end things with his wife for me. and my daughter is too young to understand a divorce.. I just don't see why we even bother. If nothing is ever going to come of our strange relationship then what is the point?