Maybe its astrological. I've got a Scorpio moon, Gemini Venus in 10th house squaring Saturn in 1st and opposing Neptune in 4th. After a certain point in relationships, I begin doubting, then I become immensely unhappy. Everything is fine until I have to see my lover, which I try to delay and sometimes cancel on. In the past, I've been a cheater. I hate myself for that now and am done with being duplicitous. But I still can't find long lasting happiness with someone. Usually the first 6-10 months are good, then I start finding reasons to not want to see my love. This one has been pretty sweet for the most part. Until recently, he left me little love letters, bought me little things I like (carrot juice, chocolate and tokens of affection). Whether it's because he's busy or our living situations have changed, I don't see him as so sweet anymore. I get the impression I'm not attractive enough for him. Or that he thinks he's more attractive than me. He's also very into kink. Pretty far down the rabbit hole. I like variety, he likes dressing in women's lingerie and chastity play. I like intercourse...its how I get off. But he seems so into chastity that it turns me off thinking we're not going to be able to have PIV without him having an accident. Money and career wise we're different too. My career would do much better abroad; he invests in real estate so he has to stay local. I'd love to go abroad to work and learn a new language and travel. I get so unhappy thinking that if I stay with him, I have to stay here. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him, so I start thinking I'm an awful person who can't be happy in love, making myself feel guilty, depressed and estranged. I'm supposed to see him tonight and absolutely dreading it and dreading him knowing what I'm thinking. I'm so bad at explaining this all in person.