I wish God would give me leukemia so I can die. I think about the rest of my life...marriage....kids....money....I feel overwhelmed and uninspired. In my faith we believe we know the point of life and the life after.....I don't want any of it. I want to be unplugged...not exist anymore. I got a stupid degree I can't do anything with so I clean up baby poop all day for someone else's skreiky deiiky kid. They don't pay me enough so I moved to a teeny box of a room that's either a meat locker or the sun. I'd get a new job if I could but this is the only thing I'm qualified to do. I'm not even really qualified for this. I lied about my amount of experience. Using my sister to be a reference to pad my resume. I'm in a loveless relationship with someone who belittles me frequently. I stay with this person because he's tall and has a handsome face. I really try to make it work and make him feel wanted and loved. He could care less. We have nothing in common. I just have no one else I feel connected to. He's moving the end of the month for work. Leaving me behind. I have to start over. I like the idea of friends but I lack sufficient energy and pride about my life to let people in. I have literally $50 bucks to my name. I haven't purchased proper groceries in months. I have crazy bills hanging over my head. I'm just trying my best but I'm always getting hosed with crap. I hate money. I'm a child and I'll-equipped to function in the world. I don't foresee any off this changing. If I knew how to change my circumstances. I would. In my heart I'm a creative, adventurous, spunky soul with festive words and a strong connection with spiritual things, but somewhere... somehow that died. My heart is poisoned. I'm not passionate. I'm not in a good place. I'm not happy. I'm not hopeful. I feel nothing. I don't dance. I don't create. I don't smile. I don't laugh. I could careless about anyone else. I'm on medication but it doesn't help and I resent it for adding one more expense to the giant list of expenses. I make many lists of practical to dos just so I can cross things off...feel like I'm accomplishing something....anything. I do reckless things just to "feel." The only thing I really enjoy doing is sleeping. I hate taking pictures because I see it.....the emptiness......the bitterness.....the weariness.....in my eyeballs and I feel ashamed. I don't document my life for the same reasons. It's not worth remembering. If I died tomorrow, no one would notice it for a very long time. If it ever WAS discovered, the funeral attendance would be minimal. If there is a point to my life, a reason for being stick in this crappy world, I ve lost all interest in it. "You're just a little depressed. You need to have confidence in yourself and take life by the horns. Be with people who treat you well. " blah blah blah. Shut the hell up. You don't know what it feels like hanging on a ledge every day. Living daily in the blackest hole. Engulfed in hopelessness. Fingers cramping to hold on. Plucking off one by one. Looking below you to the swirling darkness or up to the surface......the tiny speck of light thousands of handhold above you...out of reach. You look below again and the churning mists feel more comforting, relieving, inviting. You want to allow your last finger to slip free. Tired of trying. I told my mom I prayed to have God give me cancer in the next few years. I'd refuse treatment. She cried. Probably not out of loss for me. More out of commentary on her parenting. My life is not that hard...definitely not in comparison to others, but it's too hard for me. I'm too afraid to actually take my life so I'll keep praying for cancer. I feel God just smile at me...refusing to grant me my wish. I resent him for that too.Anyone that doesn't believe in God....don't tell me. It's REALLY not going to help my situation. Keep it to yourself.