The only times I ever come close to being what you might call happy are when I get drunk or high and can close my eyes and pretend I have a different life. I practically live inside my imagination. Sometimes I'll be inside my head and I'll actually smile because the life I'm pretending I have makes me happy for a few seconds but then I come back to reality, look around and realize I'll never find happiness in my real life which just makes my depression even worse. I can't even look at porn anymore because it's just a reminder that I can't remember what sex feels like and seeing all those beautiful women just reminds me of how alone I am. I'm going to die alone. I'm in my twenties and I already live in a nursing home because I'm paralyzed and would be homeless if not for this place. I'm surrounded by elderly people (some are literally crazy). I'm also on probation and over $1000 dollars past due on my court costs and probation fees. I got a letter in the mail saying that my probation is going to be revoked if I don't pay up. Any day now a cop is going to come arrest me and then it's off to jail or prison for violation of the terms of my probation. I want to die. Every day I think about how great it would be to just close my eyes, go to sleep and never wake up again. How much easier it would be if I could just die, but I don't have the courage to kill myself. I'm too scared. Every time I sit in the shower with the knife in my hand ready to cut a major artery I can't find the courage to make that cut. I just sit there and cry. So to my question. Is there a place I can go to online that will help me find the courage to go through with it? Something I can read or someone I can talk to to help me find the courage to make that cut? Please don't make any comments about how I shouldn't go through with it or post numbers for suicide hotlines. I stopped living a long time ago. All I do now is exist. There is no reason for me to continue doing so. No family or friends that will miss me. I just need help finding the courage to make that cut. Also I'm an atheist so no comments about how I'll go to hell. Heaven and Hell are just fairy tales.