Everything in my life is...you know what, I can't even say that it's all a mess. It is neither here nor there, I suppose. I've been unemployed for a while now, I'm in a shit ton of financial debt, I've put on weight in the past few weeks. I have a college degree from a good school, but I have no idea what I want to do. Or, rather, I do know what I want to do but I'm lazy by nature and have difficulties accomplishing anything if I don't have some kind of set schedule (school, work). My boyfriend is amazing, and I feel worthless in comparison to him. He's out right now being social and having a good time, and I just feel like I should break up with him for his benefit. Like all I'm going to do is bring him down. If it wasn't for me, he'd probably be jet setting around the world, going to lots of parties, and meeting all sorts of beautiful women. Why should he be stuck with me, when I'm just some loser who can't get a job and falls into deep depressions from time to time. And the fact that I'm having these negative feelings in the first place makes me even more depressed about my situation. The whole cycle just doesn't stop. I have no direction, no point, no place in this world. I don't want to commit suicide because I am too much of a coward to inflict pain on myself. I wish I could just cease to exist, just poof and I'm gone. It's a struggle for me to get out of bed lately, and I can barely push myself to do the things I know I need to do. I just feel like everything is hopeless. I feel like my life is over. I'm only 27, and I am totally hopeless about my future. I hate myself and everything about my life, and I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I know, I'm being childish, but what the fuck am I supposed to do about these feelings. I can't ignore them, they just crowd my mind from deep inside of myself. And I feel like I can't control them either. I've suffered from depression all my life, and I've picked up on all sorts of tricks to get over down periods, but all of it just feels like total bullshit. Do you understand what it's like to feel like TRYING is a bullshit, worthless endeavor? To feel like everything you experience is filled with despair and darkness? What the hell is wrong with me. And the sick thing is that I KNOW what to do to fix at least some of my problems. I know not to eat fucking cheese burgers and go to the gym instead. I know that I should just sit down and focus on my career, or write a short story, but every time I do any of these things, I somehow just feel more pathetic than I did in the first place. I swear to god, it's like I want to be depressed. Doing the right things feel like the wrong things, or they just feel stupid. And obviously, I don't want to be depressed because who the hell wants to be that way. But I just continue to go down my self destructive path, while simultaneously being very aware of how shitty of a path it is.