So here's something fun. I hate myself. I don't want to be me anymore. It's just been getting worse and worse for the last little while, and I'm starting to get scared that I might actually do something to hurt myself. You see, last year, less than 12 months ago now, I told my mother that my dad had sexually assaulted me for four years, from the time I was 12, to sometime around when I was 16. I don't remember exactly when it stopped. But while I was at college, the suppressed memories and stuff to do with it started coming back a lot worse than before, to the point where I couldn't cope and told her. The bit that hurts is that she doesn't believe me. He still lives in the family home and I swear to god if I ever find out he did anything to my younger brothers, I'll kill him. I'm still financially dependent on them, and they use that to control me, make me come back and visit, act polite, pretend everything is fine. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hate my mother because of how she's reacted to this, but it's so hard. And because I'm financially dependent on them, when they refused to keep paying for college, I've had to move back home. I really am worried about what this is going to do to my frame of mind. I haven't reported it because part of me is still wanting to try and protect my mum and brothers from this, because it'll ruin us financially, we will quite literally lose the farm. And I don't want my brothers to have to know about this. I think all of this is why I don't feel like a worthwhile human. Everything I do, it's a struggle against myself, because I don't believe I deserve to be at college, to pass, to have such great friends who try to cheer me up and keep me going. I'm scared of failing my units at college again, because then I'll be out of my course, and I'll have no way to get away from my family then. A job is my ticket out. My dearest wish is that my father dies some horrible, tedious long death (he had a MS scare a few months after I told my mother about all this, and I was so happy because of it- it ended up being nothing though), or if that can't happen, then I just want to get as far away from them as possible, I've considered moving countries even. And I know there's people out there with real problems, who're crippled, or blind, or who were properly raped, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm pretty sure this mood will pass, I'm just at a really low point today, and I need/needed to talk to someone (don't know if this really counts as talking lol) and I can't get in contact with any of my friends as I'm so isolated here at home. I can't call anyone, I can only talk to them when they call me or they're online, and I need them so badly somedays... TL;DR? I'm probably having a nervous breakdown from the stress of the fallout of telling my mother that I was sexually assaulted and her not believing me. How was your day?