Ever since I said yes, this ring has turned into just a pretty rock.... I constantly find myself debating on whether to break it off or just keep pushing on. I love him, I really do.... but I find myself wishing that I could go back to last summer when I was single and free to do as I please. I know if I were to tell him this, it would crush him. He thinks the world revolves around me and spoils me non-stop. I know it's wrong for me to think this way because I will never find anyone who treats me so amazingly, but I can't help the dark thoughts. I'm slowly coming to the idea that I'm too young to settle down, despite being 20. I want to be able to go to parties and flirt and just... be me. I don't want to become another person's half yet like I thought I did before saying yes. It was all fun and games looking at dresses and imagining venues until I actually said yes and the ring was on my finger. Now, it's.... real. Now it's so much more serious. No more imagining, no more what if's. Now it's IT. And I don't think I am ready anymore. Not to mention the little fact that I am becoming ever more interested with girls. Don't get me wrong. I love sex with a man. But there is something... sensual and erotic about having another girl instead. They are softer and silky and sweeter. And I want to have fun right now. I don't want to be tied down. I don't want to be a whore, I just want to have fun. I want to flirt. With this ring, I can not do that. Being with him, I can not do that. Things are so messed up now and I just don't know what to do. He can feel something is off despite me trying to tell him nothing is wrong. I know I owe it to him to explain but I can't bear to hurt him. How do you tell the person who is madly, deeply, head-over-heels in love with you that you are no longer sure about anything? How do you tell the person that you know will be the only person to ever treat you so wonderfully and spoil you so completly that you just want to be selfish for a while longer and be free? How do you stop those dark thoughts and stick with it and know that it should be enough? How do you shatter someone's heart like that? The sad part is, I feel no remorse thinking about it even though it brings me to tears. It's like... part of me hurts just thinking about it but the other part longs so badly to be set free that it builds a wall that blocks the emotions. How do you even bring that conversation up? "Hey, babe, listen... I uh, I need to talk to you about something. Please don't look at me that way. No, please don't cry. I love you I do, but..." What do you even say? "Sorry but I am a horrible selfish person and I just want to be single right now. Yeah, I know I said I'd marry you but I decided that it's just too much." "See you, bye." There is no way to do that without sounding like a bitch.... and I know I do. I know I am a terrible selfish person for thinking these thoughts but I can't control what my mind thinks, only what my mouth speaks. The question is, do I let my mouth talk? Or keep it shut? I have to tell him something eventually. He knows something is wrong. Despite my efforts to seem normal, I guess I am still acting off. So, do I make something up? But what do I even make up? Oh hey... the reason I haven't been spending so much time with you is only because I've been avoiding you. Oh.. you wanna know why I've been avoiding you. Well... I just want to immerse myself in my new job and become a work-a-holic. Yeah, I know. It's silly. And selfish. ...Still I'm selfish. I know that. Of course I know that. But how do I stop it? Oh hey... the reason we haven't been having much sex lately is that I find myself for attracted to women more than usual. So while sex with you feels great... you don't... turn me on. I find you incredibly sexy and you do everything right... but you don't have silky soft skin and a beautiful pink... orchid...at my disposal to play with. You have a rather grotesque and huge looking rod that is fun but not -as fun- to play with. You don't make sweet, sweet sounds and whisper my name in a way that makes my skin shiver. You grunt and growl and say things that make me feel like I'm with a cave man. I'm not a lesbian. I just prefer women right now. Yeah, I know. It's silly. and messed up. Oh hey... the reason I no longer want to be engaged to you is the simple fact that settling down and being this serious actually terrifies me and I don't want it so soon like I thought I did. I know I already said we have to wait awhile before we get married but even just wearing the ring makes me feel weird. People tell me congratulations and I find myself not super excited like I should be. I just smile and say thank you. I don't gush over magazines anymore or conspire with my best friends on colors or themes. I just stare at the ring and think "Look how shiny and pretty it is." The meaning behind it only makes me want to remove it or switch fingers. How do you tell someone "I believe you are the right person for me.... but this is the wrong time." How do you say "I can see myself with you and I know that you will always provide and spoil me but right now, I just want to be single." How do you describe "Before, when we just discussed marriage, I was excited and made all these plans and had all these ideas. Now, I just... want to go back to Before. Before this and before the relationship." How do you tell someone "I've grown so comfortable with you because you love me so much that you don't see my faults and it bothers me because I no longer have a reason to lose weight or keep the figure I had." How do you say "I want to be single again so I have a reason to go to the gym and be on a diet." How do you describe "When I am with you, I feel beautiful and wanted. But I no longer feel sexy and confident. I'm just comfortable. I wear grungy sweats and don't shower every time we see each other because I know you don't care what I look like because you love me that much. And it bothers me." It bothers me that you love me too much. And I am a horrible person for that. It bothers me that I feel and know that I am a horrible person because you love me too much. And I no longer know what to do or what to say. I can't say any of this to your face because I can't bear the hurt I'll see. I can't withstand the damage I will cause. I can't face the fact that I know a part of you will say "It's okay. I will always love you. I'll be here." I am afraid of the part of you that will say "You are a fucking bitch. Look at everything I have done for you. And you are going to do this to me? Get out of my life. And stay gone." A part of me hopes that you find this and read it and know it's me. The rest of me hopes that this will cure these feelings and I'll be okay. .... That other part of me knows that it's probably not going to happen. Signed- Selfish Love